Tuesday, 25 September 2007
Today was ok. It was the last of a four day stint for me. I did a full time week in those four days. Boy, am I tired! I have a day off tomorrow, but there is a chance that one of my friends from work will give me a text asking if I want to go for a drink. The likely answer will be yes!
Also, my Dad’s friend who used to work with him but has now turned to photography will be coming over to let me borrow one of his cameras. The thing is I just feel under pressure to be able to use it well now. I wanted a new camera so I could learn how to use one and have fun taking pictures. What I didn’t want to do was be lent a camera that I have for little over a day and I not learn much, and the things I do learn will be irrelevant because I won’t ever be using that camera again. I want my own camera. It really does make me sound impatient, but it’s my money, my decision, I just want to be able to buy it!!
I’m getting a bit upset about everything again, but that happens pretty often nowadays, it’s barely worth mentioning. I’ve run the questions through my head so many times. Do I want to be a woman? Really?! Are you completely sure?! The answer to all three is yes. I know it is deep down that is everything I want. But it’s the complications with family, friends and work that just make it seem like the wrong decision. I know that I will make the right decision one day. I will just go ahead and do it, it’s what I have wanted for well over a decade, therefore it’s about time I started to do something about it.
Step one is tell my parents. It’s probably just about a decade I’ve not been able to do that as well. What makes me think that I’m going to be doing it soon? Well I have to, because I want to move out, but I don’t want to move out without telling them the truth about me. That’s two reasons to tell them, the other simply being because I want to tell them so I can move on with my life.
Step two is tell all my friends. This will be less difficult. I do have fewer close friends than many. Also if they chose not to accept it, then screw them, I don’t need them! The friends I’ve told all remain friends to this day, so the prospect of telling other friends seems somewhat more manageable.
Step three is going back to the doctors and starting on my road again. So maybe I’ve had a few bumps on that road so far, but hey, who doesn’t? I’ve just got to stick it out and endeavor to make it to the end, I think that’s the only mind-set I can be in for this. No matter what the doctors ask me to do, I will do it because being a woman is my final goal, and I will do almost anything to get there.
After those three steps, I don’t know what will happen, and anyway, that’s likely to be years away. I could do it all tomorrow, but it wouldn’t be the best way to do it by half. I need to give my parents time to come to terms with it before I go off gallivanting and becoming female in front of them!
Anyway, that’s enough from me.
Currently I’m… letting my mind drift into the future and becoming at ease with what’s in store at the end.