00:03

It’s been the best part of two months since you last heard from me, but I am happy to admit that I am doing well, generally speaking.

A couple of things worth mentioning: I received a letter from the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in London with, essentially, an acceptance letter. I just had to send off my details within four weeks to register myself there. Apparently they get a lot of people that contact them asking for appointments that don’t actually get followed through, so they have to be vigilant of things like that.

So I sent off my details and last week I got another letter through confirming my first appointment. It will take place next February. I’d heard various stories about the length of time it took to get an appointment there, but this is about what I expected really. This is only one of the very first steps still and with the amount of cancellations and no-show-ers they must get I would expect this stage to be one of the fastest.

So yeah, that’s happening. I’m happy I’m finally doing something physical about this, but I’m not going to lie; I’m fricking scared! This is quite unlike anything I’ve ever done before, and I’d imagine most people that get these appointments can say something similar. I do still wonder if this is the right thing for me, I mean, I’ve been a lot less upset recently. Like I used to have times when it all got too much and I’d just break down, but that hasn’t happened for a while now. Is it because I’m doing something about it? Or is it something else? I do sometimes wonder whether I’m not just half way transgender. I know that seems bizarre, but I sometimes feel like I’m stuck right in the middle of being male and female. But then, if I look at it from a different angle it all seems completely different. For example, I think that if I had been born female, would I still be going to the GIC? And I think, absolutely not. So then maybe what I am stuck between is actually what is right for me, and what is easy for me. I know I say things like this all the time, because all the time this sort of stuff goes through my head. I know what is right for me, I just know that it’s also a whole lot of work and when it comes down to it, I don’t want a difficult life.

People have this sort of dilemma about all sorts of things. It is most definitely not something that only people like me have to deal with, and I understand that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Would the difficult life be worth it? Who knows? I guess sometimes you do just have to take a gamble and just do it. I have a terrible habit of faffing about and over-analysing everything. Maybe things won’t work out as bad as I expect.

Anyway, let’s move away from my indecisive scrawl, and onto something a bit happier. I have passed my driving test, and I didn’t do very badly at all either. I’m not sure how the tests are marked in non-UK places but if you’re from the UK you’ll understand what I mean when I say I only got two minors. And they were both for not checking my right mirror when turning right. That was it. I was pretty proud of myself to be honest and since passing I’ve taken a few drives out around the area, and on only my second time out, I decided it was a good time to drive around a nearby safari park. Well I figured if I can manoeuvre around lions and rhinos with relative ease, the city streets will be a doddle!

So obviously I’m pleased about that, and now I can look more seriously at better jobs. Speaking of jobs, what I do now at work has somehow simultaneously become more boring and yet more complex. I now have to help customers around my section with any problems they have. That’s fine for the most part, but my section covers wine, and to be honest the most experience I have of wine is guzzling it down and feeling it’s joyous after effects, which is great, but when a customer asks what a particular wine tastes like, just saying “You guzzle it down and drunken joy ensues” is not enough. So I’ve been on a wine tasting course. Aren’t I the lucky one?!

It was good, but my god isn’t it pretentious?! We were taught how to smell the wine, how to look at the wine, how to taste the wine (but not swallow it) and how to examine your own spit afterwards and see the effects of tannin in your small plastic cup. It was interesting, I’ll give it that, and a lot of the information did help, but it was just a bit unnecessary in general. After all we’re not exactly going to taste every wine we sell, so I still have to boldly lie in the face of customers if they ask “Is this a good Rioja?”. My answer is usually “Yes, yes it is”. Seriously, what were they expecting me to say?

Sometimes that is all they need though. I remember in the first few weeks of my starting this job a customer came up to me and asked “What’s a good white?” and I literally had a quick scan of the shelf, pointed at one with a nice label, said “That one” and he went and bought a case of it! I didn’t even say it with much conviction, but obviously he didn’t really care. I hope it was a nice wine; we still do it so it can’t be that bad, although I have to say I’ve never seen him again! Oh well. I’m a bit better now.

I’m not a terrible worker by the way.

Seriously, hire me.

I like jobs.

Right that about does it for now, I am off to Corfu for a week. It’s very hard to complain about life with conviction when I’m off living the high life flying to Corfu, taking wine tasting courses… driving around safari parks etc etc.

Sarah introduced me to this song, no reason for picking it now other than the fact it has wine in the name. It’s a good song anyway!

Night! X

01:01

I’ve had my appointment at the doctors, and it went… well I guess. It was in many ways different to the time I did it previously. This time I had a male doctor to talk to and, to put it frankly; he didn’t exactly seem that confident talking about it. He seemed fairly unsure about it all and I’m not sure if that was because he didn’t really understand it or he didn’t agree with it, but that’s just the vibe I got from him.

I didn’t really have a lot to tell him that he didn’t already know either. Everything I’d said in the previous appointment was all there in front of him, so he basically just needed to judge my mental stability.

Thankfully he diagnosed me as a stable individual and he said there’s no reason psychologically why I couldn’t get a referral to the Gender Clinic. He mentioned that if I suffered from some kind of crippling depression or the like, then it would be unwise to refer me as I would be less likely to cope with all the after affects of the surgery, which certainly makes sense to me. There I was thinking that I wouldn’t get the referral because I wasn’t unhappy enough and it actually turns out to be the other way around.

So I got the referral. Or at least he said he’d give me a referral. I was hoping to have received a letter from the doctors by now, so I could have spoken about it on here as well, but so far nothing has turned up. It has been three weeks, and I think he said that I should allow more time than that for the letter to turn up, but I’d just like it now, I just want to know what’s happening. The letter is supposed to contain information on whether I’ve been accepted to be funded by the local council. He did mention that it has recently been a lot more likely that funding will be given, so I’m fairly confident about getting that.

This then led me to ask how many people have come in for the same issue as me, and he said that so far this year he’d had about five. He also mentioned that he thought that was quite a high number, but to be honest it’s not far off what I imagined it would be.

So here I am now, waiting for my letter to arrive. He mentioned that if I didn’t get the funding I could call the person that would deal with it directly and see if it could be sorted out from there, but unfortunately he also said that he’d send the number for that person through the post, and obviously so far I’ve received nothing. I really do just have to sit this one through.

Other than the appointment I have actually done a few other things. I celebrated my 24^th birthday on the 10^th of June and for it I went to see Jimmy Eat World live in London a week or so after. I have to say, they were damn good; would definitely recommend seeing them live if you like their music. To reflect how damn awesome they are I’ll link to possibly their most famous song, even if this isn’t exactly a true reflection of the style of the rest of their tracks.

I’ve also taken and passed my driving theory test and have booked my practical test for the 2^nd of August. I am a bit nervous about it, but at the same time quietly confident. Hopefully passing it will open up my job prospects quite considerably even if I can’t afford a car right now. Just being able to drive would be a useful skill.

So there you go, just a quick update as to where I stand. I’m feeling fairly upbeat about it, and just getting on as normal with the rest of my life as this goes on. I cannot let this rule my life.

Night! X

00:13

So, I was supposed to have an appointment at a nearby Mental Health Clinic on the 4^th. It didn’t happen in the end, but not because I pulled out or anything. Rather ironically the doctor called in sick, so I got the receptionist ringing me in the morning telling me they had to rearrange an appointment. They have done so and I now have to wait again until the 15^th June. I’m not too bothered about it to be honest. This whole thing is a ridiculously long process anyway so an extra month’s wait isn’t really that big of a deal.

I have been having doubts here and there about it all, but it inevitably comes back around to being what I want to do. I know it’s not a simple thing to do, but I also know I would always regret it forever more if I did nothing. That alone is reason enough.

Other than that not a whole lot of blog-worthy things have happened. I’m getting on at work, doing more than I’m being paid for and yet still being paid less than other people at my level thanks to turkey-gate the Christmas before last. Still hoping for a promotion, but at the same time looking around for more work, albeit not that thoroughly.

I still don’t really know what I want to do, job-wise. I still love writing, but I also never feel like it. I love playing the piano, but my keyboard stays stubbornly under the bed. The only job worthy skill I have is being adept in the use of computers, which would have been great fifteen years ago, but these days it’s kind of just expected of you.

I think what I really need is a bit of self discipline. I need to set aside time each day to do something productive that isn’t just cleaning and tidying. I say I should do this, but I sort of feel now that I probably won’t. I can barely make myself come on here to type this up; even now Family Guy is on and my right eye and ear is mostly focused on that.

My Mum always told me to not just let things happen. Don’t wait for things to come to you, you need to go out there and find them. Unfortunately up until this point in my life, I haven’t really gone out of my way all that much to be where I’m at today, so therefore I’ve never really learnt that lesson. I think it’s time I started to pay attention to some of the things my Mum told me when I was younger.

Oh yes, there was another thing to tell you all. I’ve had my hair cut. I have to be honest, it did need it, but if it were completely down to me I probably wouldn’t have cut it as short as it is now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not short short. It can still pass for a female cut, but I have a family wedding to go to at the end of the month and I need to look smart for it. Fair enough it wasn’t really smart before, but I do miss the length.

There is a bit of a story behind my cut as well. It was actually two cuts. The first time I went to a unisex (although mainly female) salon and asked for a “shaggy style” cut to just over my ears and with a fringe. The hairdresser did not speak English very well. I walked out the salon with a fairly obvious ‘bob’ cut, and no fringe.

I thought it looked pretty good despite it being completely different to what I asked for. But it was patently obvious that it was a girls cut and the next few days I got quite a bit of playful teasing about it at work. I decided that, excuse the pun, my hair wasn’t exactly going to cut it with my family at the wedding, so I headed off to a men’s salon and got it done by someone that could speak my language and I came out with something resembling the description I’d requested when I walked in.

That is there-and-abouts the story of my hair. I am not unhappy with it, but I do miss how long it was before.

That is about all I have to say. I’ve just had a lovely week off work, so I’m feeling pretty chilled out all round. We haven’t really been out to do much as we have next to no money, but it was a good week in all.

Here’s my Song of the Moment and there’s also a couple more pictures from that last batch. Hopefully there’ll be some more new ones soon.

Night! X

00:10

Well hello there, it seems I have found myself sitting in front of the computer in the early hours once more. It also seems that I have seen fit to spend this time typing my mind mumblings out onto the computer screen. So far in its (incredibly limited) wisdom, this is all that has actually managed to find its way from my brain to my fingertips. I guess this is the sort of thing that happens when you sit down to write something, not know what to write about and then proceed to write anyway.

I do know what I’m writing on here for, but I guess I’m trying to find a better reason. The main reason is that I’ve taken a few new pictures, but wait wait wait, don’t scroll down just yet, I’m sure I’ll find something fantastically terrific to talk about between then and the end. I must do! After all, look at this large amount of text in between here and the pictures! There must be something of at least slight interest in between then and now.

I’m going to tell you about my day. Why not?! That is I imagine what the whole point of a diary blog type thing. Can I call this a Blogiary? Urm, no, that makes me ill actually. Best not mess too much with the English language, it sure has taken a beating recently. But then again, when doesn’t it?! I’m probably breaking hundreds of grammar rules right now, making my whole point maybe a little ironic. Well at least my spelling isn’t carp.

Anyway, I need to tell you about my day. I was at work today, like any typical Thursday. It would have been totally like any other typical Thursday if I had not been asked to partake in a most peculiar task.

Sorry, I’m really giving this a bigger build up than it deserves. All I was asked to do was to go to a neighbouring town and fetch some more stock from another store. It really wasn’t anything more than that. But it did involve sitting in the front of a white van. Oh yeh, that’s right, for the day I was essentially a “White Van Man”. If you don’t live in the Great United Kingdom of Britain, you may not understand what I mean. Well, luckily we can break down and analyse the phrase fairly easily, in fact I’m going to assume you can work that out for yourself. The meaning behind it is that basically all “White Van Men” drive erratically and inconsiderately. In my case though, the white was more ‘dirt brown’, the van was basically a wreck, and I, well, I really do hate to think of myself as a man. But then again ‘Dirty Brown Wrecked Tranny’ sounds more like some kind of filthy porn. Something I really don’t want to see.

I have to say I really do hate the term tranny. It just sounds horrible. It’s probably because of the amount of times it is used for porn type circumstances. I always try to use the word transgendered whenever necessary, but to be honest, that last joke wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if I’d said that. In fact even the word transsexual seems to have negative vibes in my brain. I guess it makes it sound like a sexual orientation, so in that respect I can understand why people do sometimes not understand why gender identity and sexual orientation do not go hand in hand.

Well, there you go; I managed to find some magical combination of words to fill the space between the second paragraph and the pictures. Don’t you now just feel fantastic about life in general and enlightened beyond your wildest dreams? I hope you’ve not been completely baffled by me being in one of my weirder moods, but hey, at least I’m not upset!

Oh and if you wanted to know what happened at work: I went home and lived happily ever… err, rest of the day.

Ooh, one last thing before the pictures. I don’t think I have yet conveyed my love of the band ‘Air Traffic’, so please, consider this it. My song of the moment; ‘No More Running Away’.

Night! X

00:34

Just a few quick updates here:

My trip to the doctors was one of success. I’ve been referred to a nearby clinic and booked an appointment in for May. There is a two month waiting list even for this part, so it doesn’t exactly bode well for the rest of it, but I did anticipate this sort of thing. Sure going to be a whole lot of waiting around. All the same though, there’s not a lot I can do about that now, unless of course I get a nice little sum of money to do it all privately, but I’m not holding out for that.

In case any of you out there are looking to go through the same thing, the actual appointment with the doctor was easy enough. As I’d only just registered at the practice the doctor didn’t have my medical history files, so I basically had to tell him straight again. It now feels odd that at one point several years ago, telling the doctor how I felt was the scariest thing I’d thought I’d ever done! But this time it felt so much easier. I just came out and said it, and he didn’t even flinch. Not sure if it’s because I’m older, because I’m more confident, or just because I knew that doctors are just plainly not allowed to demean patient’s life choices and just give professional advice. I wasn’t even the first person he’d seen with this exact same problem. The only thing I did get a little worried about is that one of my friends mums works at that practice and I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to see my file or not, but I assume patient/doctor confidentiality does not extend to receptionists, so it should be fine.

Another good thing I’m doing at the moment is having some driving lessons, and they’re going well! I’ve had two lessons, and I feel a lot more confident already, learning all aspects in the art of the clutch. There’s not a whole lot I can say about it really. All the good driving lesson jokes have been done already. I genuinely couldn’t think of any new ones on the way to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

I kid of course. That never happened, besides, the kind of speeds I go at mean I’m probably more likely to run someone over whilst walking anyway.

Ok, well that is pretty much all I had to say. I don’t have any new pictures this time I’m afraid. It is difficult to find the time to get glammed up so much recently. Too much work and sleep I guess.

Night! X

00:57

It was close call this week. I was determined to get to the Doctors at some point this week. At one point I thought I was going have to wait for another week, and it was for the most ridiculous sounding, but valid, reason. At the beginning of the week I was ill and therefore housebound. It wasn’t anything terrible, we worked out that it must have been a dodgy pizza that I’d ordered for take-away. We had eaten some pork that was out of date by two days a couple of days before, but Sarah insisted that it wouldn’t have been her cooking that got me ill! All the same I felt terrible and was doing the usual ‘kneeling over the toilet’ routine that I tend to do when feeling sick.

So I was off work for two days, and getting the doctors would have been a task not worth attempting. Especially considering the one I was registered at was about a mile away and I can’t drive.

But thankfully towards the end of this week I got better. Not completely, but enough. So yesterday, with my day off, I decided to register myself at a more local doctor’s. And when I say local, well, I can practically see it from my window. It is literally about 100m away. I mean if I was Usain Bolt (and was not intimidated by dual carriageways) I could be there in under 10 seconds. I’m not sure that there’s any other way I can convey the fact that this place is in the very near vicinity. Seriously it’s close. Very.

Anyway yes, so I trudged over to the doctors, filled out all my relevant forms and got myself an appointment for next Monday. This is it, I’m starting again. It has been about 2-3 years since the first time I tried, and I hope that this time I can get the funding. I realise that funding is a difficult thing to get in my situation, especially as I’m not into the whole self-harming suicidal tendencies that some transgendered people are. Which I guess is fair enough. The people that are more likely to kill themselves should really have priority. So anyway, yes, I’ll let you know how that goes after next Monday. If it’s anything like last time, they’ll refer me to a nearby clinic and then I’ll see where it goes from there. That is as far as I got the first time around. I’m also hoping Sarah can come in with me to the second discussion. Sarah is feeling understandably worried about me looking at doing this again. As we are at the moment, I can mostly hide myself when around her parents, but if I go through with this they will have to know.

This really bothers me, I have to say. I think it was bad enough telling my parents about it, but involving a family other than mine and making it an issue there just seems plain rude. I also don’t think they’ll take it too well, in fact Sarah thinks that they may make her choose between me and them. I obviously do not want that situation at all. I wish there was an easier way than this.

Well I think I’ll wrap it up there. The only other thing I wanted to say was that I am hoping to learn to drive this month and rather thankfully my parents have said that they’ll pay for my lessons. I’ve been reluctant to do it up until now, but now that I’ve actually decided to go ahead and do it I’m quite excited about it!

The pictures I’m putting up are a few I can’t believe I never uploaded the first time around. They are from June last year, so not exactly recent, but I think they’re alright all the same! I also don’t have any new ones…

Night! X

10:56

I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

Time to break free.

Night! X

00:53

Thank you to those of you who replied to my last blog. I hope it doesn’t seem like I write these things on my blog just so I can receive some attention and reassurance, that really isn’t why I do this, but all the same, it is very much appreciated. I have been writing this diary for a long while now; my first entry was just over 4 years ago. It seems like longer than that if I’m honest. I started writing for me, but I figured that some people would appreciate reading that someone is going through the same things they are. Also I can’t see the harm in getting people that would otherwise be unaware of our issues to see what we go through. It isn’t life threatening sure, and there’s too many other people out there with terrible lives that have probably never even dreamed of questioning whether they were born in the wrong body or not. I am privileged, I do realise that and I do feel quite selfish for complaining and getting upset over quite frankly relatively menial issues when compared to others.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to be more cheerful today! It really is about time I stopped crying my way through my youth and started enjoying it a bit more. I know I should.

So on Monday, to start me off, I got a new haircut! Wait, hold up, unfortunately it was not in a women’s salon and it did not involve any fancy stuff. It was a simple walk in men’s barbers 10 minute jobby. But I have to say, given how long my hair has got, he did a pretty good job at tidying it up. It is a little shorter than it was, but looks much better, and if anything, looks more feminine, so I’m not unhappy with it! I will have to show you these new pictures I took. Yes, I actually have new pictures. Shocker.

Finding a salon was a little tricky though. Well I say tricky. Most people would have probably been able to manage it by simply walking into their nearest salon, but no, not me. I wandered around in a seemingly aimless manner assessing all possible relevant businesses. First of all I checked all my usual salons, and for some unknown reason they’re all shut on a Monday. Not sure why, but fine, things like this happen, I’ll just pick a new one. So I scout around for a good cheap unassuming barbers. There were the ones that made my wallet sweat from looking at the price list and then there were the ones that I could pretty much smell the word ‘scummy’ just from walking past it. I decided that neither of these extremes would hack it. So I thought, instead of just choosing a decent looking one at random, I’ll head back to my flat (in the town centre) and look up reviews of the local salons on the computer. Why not? I was bored and that is what the internet is there for right?! So I did a bit of research and plotted my course. I made sure I didn’t pass by any salons that might have already seen me looking in their window because they might find me odd. Hell, they probably do anyway, but that’s not the point. Being some long haired guy peeking longingly through the windows of salons might give the impression that I’ve been there for months and forgotten how to get in or something.

So yes anyway, I made my way to this new salon that the internet had reassured me was good. Well there were a couple of negative reviews, but when isn’t there really? It seems like for every product for sale on the internet someone somewhere has had their life ruined by it and feel the need to ‘One Star’ or ‘Thumbs Down’ the relevant product, spouting hateful phrases like “DO NOT BUY, DOES NOT WORK!” as if they’re whole life is now devoted to conspiring against whatever the product may be. Too many things these days seem to need to be rated or voted for by the public. You might even say that everything has become overrated. Then again, you might not; it’s up to you apparently.

Anyway, yes, I turned up at this well reviewed location and it too turns out to be closed on Mondays. I subsequently panicked and walked quickly back home. It was about this sort of time that I realised I was being utterly stupid. For some reason I seem to lack the confidence to even walk into a salon in guy mode and get a hair cut! How hard should it be?! So I got up again, walked with purpose into a randomly picked salon and got my damn hair cut, and it was not a scary experience at all! What was I worried about? If I have these kinds of issues living as a guy what am I going to be like as a girl? If I’m already so self-conscious it’s unreal, I’ll probably never be able to bring myself to leave the house if I transitioned!

This is but one of the issues I have to get over, no matter what I end up doing in the future. Confidence should be gained through life experiences and I do (surprisingly) feel more confident with myself now than I ever have done.

Sorry about going on for about four paragraphs about a simple haircut, but I thought I would be honest about how ridiculous I can be sometimes so I can look back at this in the future and laugh at my current self. I did just look back at my first entry and got much the same reaction. I was being overly dramatic about an invasive crane fly and judging by the way I’d written it, it seemed like the most unfortunate thing in the world that could ever happen to anyone ever! I’m not so much like that anymore. Sure I have bouts of silliness when it comes to conversing with my fellow human, but I am better than I was, and despite what I said in my last blog about being no more Ella than I was when I started, I sure am a much better me. And being a better, happier me is all I should really be working towards.

Night! X

02:07

I know my work situation isn’t exactly exhilarating to read about, but I just thought I’d mention: My manager has offered me the role of “Coach”. It basically revolves around me training up new members of staff and running the induction courses for new Christmas temps. This struck me as a little odd as I am currently under the effects of a written warning, and in that it states that I would not receive any pay rises, nor would I be able to be promoted within the company until a year after my ‘mishap’. So how exactly would that work? Would they just not pay me again (like last time) or would they rather ironically breach policy just to get me into the role that they now need. Are they going with the ‘because we say so’ bit of the policy that I failed to notice in the small print of my warning?

You might wonder why I’m so annoyed at being offered promotion. Well there certainly is a bitter taste in my mouth reminding of me the last time that I took a ‘promotion’. That is certainly playing an important part of it. I have just generally lost a lot of faith in the company as a whole and I really would like to get out it.

So I turned it down. Not only because of all the bitterness, but I just plain didn’t want to do it. It’s the kind of thing I’m not comfortable doing. I would not like to talk in front of a group of people, telling them what to do. It’s just not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I probably could do it. And I would end up a lot more confident, but I just don’t want the hassle at the moment.

So after they’d offered me the job, they then offered it to a few other people, one of them being my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being a very different kind of person to me, would enjoy talking to a group of people like that and so she accepted the offer. She’s done well to get offered a promotion within a year of being there, it only took me about three! She doesn’t have the job yet. She still needs to be assessed and then if she passes that she gets sent for a day training course and then if she passes that, she’ll have the job. I have all my faith in her and I’m sure she’ll do just fine. After all, I managed all of that and just failed at the last hurdle a couple of years ago.

On a different note, getting the time to dress and put on make up is, these days, a little hard to come by. I’m not sure why exactly, but it really does seem like I ‘doll up’ less now than when I used to at home. Sure, everyday I still wear girls stuff to bed, and if I manage to drag myself away from the computer or TV when I get in from work I do get changed then, but I barely ever put make up on. I don’t know if that’s because I feel like I don’t need to anymore; Sarah sees me as I really am so it doesn’t seem as important. Or is it because I’m getting past a ‘phase’ in my life? That’s the usual logic for hearing a child is acting in a transgendered way, ‘It’s just a phase’. Well, is that happening to me, just a bit later?

It was recently my Dad’s birthday and I picked what I thought to be a really nice card. It said something like “Now that I’m finding my own way in life, I realise how glad I am to have had someone to show me the ropes”. It was something like that, with a picture of a man and a boy both wearing cowboy hats. Probably looks better than it sounds. I tend to avoid the ones that say “From Your Son” and I don’t really even contemplate sending him one saying “From Your Daughter”! I think that even though I have all of these feelings, he will always be my Dad and when I was a child, I was his boy, and I appreciate everything he’s ever done for me, even if it’s been showing me traditionally ‘male’ things. I just find it very hard to talk to him now. It’s not really awkward, but you can tell what he must be thinking about me, and it is both a relief and a pain knowing that he knows.

I guess what I’m trying to get at in a very roundabout way, is that I still feel guilty for who I am. I know it is wrong to think that way; you don’t need to tell me. “Do what you feel is right” and all that. Well, what if I don’t know what is right? A lot of people can’t see into the future, how do they know that what they are doing is right? What do I want to do with my life? What will make me happy? I want to be successful, I want a happy family, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want all of these things, but I do nothing to reach them. I feel like right now my life is just sat in a box in my cupboard. Maybe not that bad, because I am very happy with Sarah. I guess I’m just feeling a bit low. I’m starting to think writing this in the early hours of the morning whilst I wait for the sun to rise was probably a bad idea. It’s being alone with my mind that gets me the most upset. Being tired doesn’t help either.

Basically I have doubts all the time about what I should be doing with my life. I don’t know the right way to turn. I know what I enjoy and I know what I hate, I’m just not sure I know myself. I’m finding it very difficult to say this, and right now I don’t think I will upload this, but I’m just saying it to get things off my chest. I know I sometimes seem like I know what I’m doing, but I really don’t. My life is up in the air and you know what the saddest thing of all is? I don’t feel any more like Ella than I did when I started this blog.

I’m sorry. This post got a little derailed by some unforeseen depression. I hope I can get back to you soon with a happier toned entry, but right now I just don’t feel like it.

Night. X

23:10

And there it went.

So, I pulled out. I decided it wasn’t for me. I’m a bit of a tease really aren’t I?! Yeah, I decided against it because, well there’s several reasons. First off it was becoming apparent that I would have needed to be going away for the weekend quite often and I can’t be constantly running away from my loving girlfriend all the time. I’m lucky to have her in the first place and to put that in jeopardy would be a ridiculously silly thing to do, I’m sure you understand.

Second reason: Seen as I would be going away quite often I would need to constantly make up stories to tell both mine and Sarah’s parents when I couldn’t go to either for a Sunday roast. I had to do it the one time for that photo-shoot and I immediately remembered how much I hated intentionally misleading people. Partly because I’ve been doing it all my life and it can never be a good thing to get back into that, and partly because I’m not very good at lying. Which is also basically my third reason:

I’m not very good at acting. And I believe that would have developed into a bit of a necessity! Granted I’ve never actually tried acting, and I’m always told it’s not that hard, but I figure that if there are some whole schools dedicated to it then it can’t be one of those things that you can just “blag your way through”. Well you could, but it could end up looking like a bad acted porno. Which leads nicely onto my last reason.

Whilst not technically porn, it was close enough for me to reconsider. It’s what it’s all about even if I wasn’t going to be showing more than I already have. I made a promise to myself several (hundred) posts ago that I would never do anything porny, and I think I should stick to my principles. Well if I don’t who else is going to?!

I think that’s all the reasons I have to be honest. I do wish the Tranisa.com crew the best of luck and I hope that it all works out well. They really are a nice bunch of people and if any of you are considering modelling for them and are sure you want to do it, just go for it. I look forward to seeing the kind of things they make.

What? I will. I watch porny things, why not? Well actually I don’t, I read it. And that’s all I have to say on the matter…

…

Every time I write porny it just makes me wonder if there’s ever been a porn film called “My Little Porny”.

…

Google says no, but apparently it was front page news in Bristol (?!)

Oh and there’s a quiz based on this very concept. But when isn’t there?

(I got 2 out of 12!)

Sorry, my mind does wander sometimes. I think I need to ban myself from using Google when I’m writing one of these, it really does interfere. Within about 5 minutes I’d have been viewing the history of sporks for no particular reason.

So yes anyway, my main point is that I won’t be carrying on with my modelling, at least in this way. I would like to do modelling that’s, say, more family-friendly though.

Some possible good news; Sarah now works earlies whilst I’m working lates, so whilst it’s not exactly great for us, the good thing is that I might be able to write up on here a little more often. Just don’t expect pictures everytime! I unfortunately don’t get that much time to dress with make-up. I will continue to upload a few unseen photos from the shoot though.

That’s enough for now, I have more to say, but if I keep them for another entry it might actually make me do it!

Oh yes, I almost forgot, here’s a song of the moment. Well it was 2 months ago, but it’s still relevant. One of my favourite songs ever, it really is quite beautiful.

Night! X