Pictures Return

Monday, 07 January 2008

00:47

I’ve only just realised that I didn’t finish off posting all of my schoolgirl pictures from December, so I’ll stick that onto the end.

I’d like to just say that there is the ever increasing possibility that I will have the chance to dress next week. I may even have the 15^th January all to myself, all day long. What’s happening is this; my Mum is working, my sister is at school, my Dad usually works from home but that week he’s going away skiing. I usually have all day off on Tuesday, but because my new contract starts that week I’m not sure whether or not I have that day off. Even if I don’t have that whole day off, I will have until 1pm everyday, so it wouldn’t be all bad.

What I’m trying to say is that next week there’s likely to be more pictures, and seen as my sister has recently gone out and bought a load of new clothes, that gives me a few more things to try on. Different styles to try, maybe even if I do get the whole day to myself, trying different make-up styles. I’ve never really advanced any more than just eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick. I have, after all, only really learnt how to apply make-up from experimenting and the TV. That was when I started at least. I have more recently been taking cheeky looks at make-up style websites to broaden my horizons a little.

Anyway, it’s kinda late now as I have been half writing this, half chatting, so apologies!

Here’s my pic.

And goodnight! X

Happy Birthday Sis!

Sunday, 06 January 2008

00:52

I was just browsing the net again the other day and I came across what could well be another profile with somebody using one of my pictures. The URL is http://www.transpassions.com/seeme/ella10.html . The fact that that picture is quite old confuses me, simply because I don’t think I’ve really posted that on the internet anywhere. I must have taken that picture when I was 15 or something, it was quite a while ago. I remember that picture being the first one I was actually happy to post on the net. What also confuses me about that profile is that the actual written profile sounds a lot like something I’d write anyway. So I’m thinking either I did this profile years ago, and simply forgot about it, or somebody’s claiming to be me right down to the personality as well. I don’t know, I would’ve thought I’d have remembered joining a particular site. Ah well, I’m less fussed about this profile than I was with the other MySpace one a few months ago. There could easily be more pictures of me out there, with people claiming to be me, I just don’t know about it. Hell, I might not even be the real Ella. Do I even exist?! Well now I’m confused.

Well, apart from that, not much happening. It was my sisters birthday, but we didn’t do a lot about it to be honest, mainly because she was lying on the sofa all day. This evening we did the traditional birthday cake thing with a very untraditional hygiene conscious method of blowing out the candles. Instead of risking us all getting the dreaded “Norovirus” off my sister by her blowing on the candles, and thus the cake, we decided that she could use a snuffer to extinguish the flames. Snuffing was not as fun as blowing and it did take a lot longer, but at least we’re all safe from the virus (knock on wood).

Also at work today I signed my contract meaning I am now a permanent member of staff. Yay for me! I am happy about it, but I don’t want to be there for long. I’m only permanent on paper, in my mind I’m only going to be there for a while. I want to move on from that place. I’m not trying to clamber up my own arse, but I do think I am above it. A lot of what is needed is common sense, and unfortunately a lot of the people there don’t have it. I often get asked to do one simple task at the start of the day. It often ends up taking the whole day to do because I’m constantly being called to the till or I have customers step in front of me in the hope that I’ll stop and help their poor menial little problem. Example : Today I was on the till and this woman came up to my till point with two jars of Beef Gravy. She said, as a seemingly throw-away comment, that we didn’t have the small beef gravy jars, so she’d have to make do with these large ones. At first I thought, well hey, why don’t you just take one jar if it’s too much for you, but then she said that the beef gravy in the smaller jars tasted nicer (?!). Again I thought she didn’t mean anything by it, just small talk. I then asked her if these ones she picked up were ok and she said. “No, I want the small jars”. Already this was annoying me. I called someone to come and sort her out themselves, so as to let me deal with the ever increasing queue behind her. Somebody did come and took her to the desk to sort it out. I didn’t do anything more to help her, but I did see what they did do. First they had to check on the sheets that we still did it, apparently we must have done, so they then had to ring the warehouse to see if we had it there. Apparently we didn’t. So then they had to call a division of head office to find out when it’s coming in, can it be ordered, things like that. Eventually they found out that the line had in fact been discontinued so the lady had to make do with the large jar in the end anyway.

What a waste of both our and her time. It’s a jar of gravy for god sakes! It doesn’t deserve half an hour of chasing! If that was me I’d look on the shelf, see there was no small gravy jars, shrug my shoulders and just take the big jar. No biggy. How can customers be so picky all the live long day?!

Anyway, I should really stop complaining, I’m no better than them then. Bedtime.

Night! X

The Hat of Fate

Saturday, 05 January 2008

01:00

A random selection of events today. It’s as if todays events were determined from a pick out of a hat.

First Pick : My locker key snaps. No real reason, I took it out my pocket this evening and it was bent. I really can’t figure out how. I mean I would have felt something like myself bending metal surely? I tried to bend it back, but it just snapped, so then I had a task of working out how to get the stuff in my locker. Worked out eventually with the help of others… and a crowbar.

Second Pick : It was supposed to snow. It rained.

Third Pick : I had to rearrange sweets at work.

Fourth Pick : I had to take my Christmas decorations down because…

Fifth Pick : It’s my sisters birthday tomorrow. We can’t still have decorations up on her birthday, that would just be silly! Unfortunately my sisters birthday will be nothing more than a; “Here’s your card, here’s your present, Happy Birthday. Right I’m off..” as I am working. Also seen as she’s got this Norovirus thingy, nobody would want to, nor are we allowing them to, come around and see her. All in all it’s going to be a pretty boring day for her. At least she’s not at school like she has been on her birthday every year up until this one.

There we go, those are my events of no particular meaning. Usually things that happen to me have reason or are expected, but no, not today. I can’t possibly relate the broken key to anything in my life, nor is there really much point. It’s a broken key, that is all.

Tonight I did actually buy a load of music as well. This is the thing I both love and hate about iTunes. I love the ease of the purchasing and downloading of the music, but I absolutely hate the ease of purchasing and downloading of the music. Without really paying much attention to it, I probably spent about £50 on there tonight. It just doesn’t feel like I’m paying.

I bought these albums. Not sure if you’d know them all, but some you will. It’s quite a mix, so if ergodic (ooOOoh!) lists discombobulate (yeh?!) your mind, then you might want to avert your line of vision. (needlessly ostentatious, but I like it! Note to self, remove thesaurus.com from my favourites)

Kylie – X (why not?)

Editors – An End Has A Start (what about a string, huh? That’s got two ends)

Leona Lewis – Spirit (I love ‘Bleeding Love’ and although I’ve not heard great album reviews, I still thought it was worth getting)

Whitney Houston – My Love is Your Love (these songs remind me of school)

Fightstar – Grand Unification (this album reminds me of someone at uni who played it all the time)

Angels & Airwaves – I-Empire (a new artist to me that sounds, interesting)

So there you go, that’s plenty for you to be reading, and it’s now time for my bedkins.

Night! X

Resolution : Fail

Friday, 04 January 2008

01:11

Ok, I’m not even a week into the new year and already I’ve failed one of my resolutions. I have taken no photos today and I really don’t care. It is very difficult to find something interesting to take a photo of everyday, and it’s not just that, it’s also the carrying of the camera everywhere I go. I wish there was just a way you could photograph whatever you see at a certain point with your own eyes. That would be amazing.

That wasn’t my main resolution anyway, and besides I can still take lots of pictures, I just won’t take one everyday.

My main resolution is, as expected, to sort my life out. Get back to the doctors as soon as I’m working back in a normal routine. Make my parents understand! Oh yes today, my Mum was talking to me about me getting upset just before new years, and she said “Have you got over that upset you had the other day now?” I just mumbled as a reply, but then she said “Aren’t you daft getting upset about not having a new years party?!”. I didn’t really know what to say to this. I never once said I got upset about not having a new years party, and to be perfectly honest it had nothing to do with that, and I think my Mum knows that. Why is she trying to hide what I was really crying about, with me? Such a pointless activity. She’s just blocking out all existence of “my problem” at the moment. This has to change, I need to get myself a backbone and actually make a point of standing up for myself!

Well away from that, my sister seems to currently have Norovirus which is basically just a short sharp winter flu. It’s also highly contagious so I wouldn’t be surprised if I come down with it as well in the next few days. Another good reason to not do this 365 photography thing. If all I’m doing is puking all day, I’m not exactly going to have pleasant photographs.

Well that’s all for now I’m really tired, I’m not used to staying up late again yet. Maybe when my new contract starts on the 12^th Jan I might get to stay up later and pay more attention to this side of my life. The dark, underground, secretive side that wants to be the bright, overground, open side of me. In a few years it will, let me just bide my time.

Night! X

Two Thousand and Eight

Tuesday, 01 January 2008

17:18

So there we go, 2007 is finished. Predictably 2008 follows.

I must apologise for not updating this more frequently over the festive period. The lack of routine has created very few times I can actually get on here and write a decent entry.

I’ll give you the low-down on what’s been happening with me lately. Saturday night I went out properly for the first time in god knows how long. I drank a lot, spent much too much, and generally just had a good time! Not a lot of things happened that night, but as a result of that night the New Years Eve house party got cancelled. The girls house I would have been going to decided to call if off because her boyfriend broke up with her. Apparently we weren’t giving him enough time when we saw him on the Saturday. It’s obvious that there’s more to the break up than just that and clearly we (her friends) just served as a good excuse for dumping, just because we don’t really like him that much either.

So, yes, the plans for New Years once again fell to the floor and I was destined to stay at home with family and friends. Ok, it’s not all bad, but really it kinda is!

On the Sunday after, I have to be honest I can’t remember a whole lot. I think I was just recovering from drinking and then, later in the day I think I went up town to exchange some late gifts whilst having another few drinks. It was probably the drinks that caused the forgetfulness to be honest. Anyway after coming home I do remember having one of my worst breakdowns yet. When I came back from town, we actually went to my Nan’s house to see her newly purchased TV. She wasn’t actually there at that point and was at church, her being fairly religious and all. But without any real warning, whilst all of our family were at Nan’s and just watching the TV, I just got uncontrollably upset seemingly over nothing in particular. Dad didn’t really react, he just carried on as normal, he knew what was bothering me. My sister was confused and she didn’t really know what to do, but my Mum kept asking what was wrong. I said things like “I don’t know” just like I used to when this happened before. I couldn’t tell her the truth because she told me not to say anything to my sister. So she kept asking and I kept giving the same pointless answer. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t know what was wrong with me. Eventually when my sister left the room Mum asked “Is it this thing again?” and I just said yes. After that she kept saying things like “But you’re such a nice lad” and “You’re a really masculine guy” and anything else she could find to try and convince herself those things were true.

I cannot see any good reason why Mum would say those things to me. It’s as if she thinks I see myself as a not very masculine person, so therefore I must be a girl. She feels like if she tells me a guyish guy then it’ll help, but it really doesn’t it does not help one bit. I am a girl inside, that’s the only reason I want it. I am not particularly feminine generally, but then again I’m not masculine either. It’s got nothing to do with how I react now, I hide so much of it anyway. It’s how I feel inside and how I want to be true to myself.

Mum decided to take me home from Nan’s before she got back because she couldn’t see me in the current state I was in. So when I got home I was pretty mad at my Mum so I stormed up to my room, slammed my door and cried into my duvet. That is the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. I’m not usually very emotionally outward, but that was a time when I couldn’t stop it. Eventually I came around, my Mum came in and we made up, but I still wasn’t happy with her. Not accepting it at all and just hoping it disappears. One good thing about this outburst though, is that now Mum knows how much this means to me and if she ‘makes’ me not go ahead with this then this is what my life will comprise of. The emotional leaks are getting more and more frequent and I can only see that ever increasing the older I get.

Anyway, that was Sunday.

Monday, (New Years Eve) things were better. I still felt upset at times, but I held back. I did have work so that took my mind of it all quite well. I had to work earlier than usual as well, doing 8am to 6pm. It was quite a long day especially because I wasn’t sat down at all apart from on my breaks.

When I got home I tidied my room, got changed and just relaxed a bit. My family were coming over later and we were to have a meal, wait around til midnight and celebrate the coming of the New Year. I had the meal but afterwards I don’t know what hit me, I just went off so tired, and by about 10:45pm I was falling asleep into my dessert. I decided I wasn’t going to make it to midnight and went to bed. I was planning on waking up again for the countdown, but I never made it and instead slept to about 9am this morning. The one night of the year I’m supposed to stay up late, I can’t help but go to bed early.

So now pretty much here I am. I’d better finish off now as this has been a bit of an epic entry. Seen as one of my New Years Resolutions is to take a good photo everyday I will upload one for today. I hope I can keep it going, it would be fantastic to do. Not only will it improve my photography skills it will also ‘make’ me go out and do more interesting things. Can’t see anything wrong with that idea!

So there we go, here’s 2008. And here’s my first 365 entry…

Night! X

Ho Ha, Drunkishness

Sunday, 30 December 2007

03:37

Me so drunk. Me also so tired. Me go to bed now like. Ho ha.

Night! X

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

Saturday, 29 December 2007

01:30

I just opened up my browser and landed on my homepage BBC.co.uk. I then had a quick look down the page, which is frankly unusual for me. I’m not even sure why BBC is my home page, I rarely use it properly. I guess it’s just out of habit now. Anyway today I did have a quick look today and I was most intrigued by the headline “Plant awarded “Beard of the Year”’

Now, you know what I was thinking. There are several things bizarre about this headline. First off, since when was there a ‘Beard of the Year’ competition? Secondly, since when did plants have beards? And thirdly, would a bearded plant actually be eligible for entry into a ‘Beard of the Year’ competition or other facial hair related awards ceremonies designed primarily for humans?! Unfortunately upon clicking the headline, it turned that there’s a guy called Robert Plant (who incidentally is from Led Zeppelin) that was awarded it. And yes it is a real competition.

With further reading I found out of the existence of a “Beard Liberation Front” which amused me a little. Apparently there’s a ‘front’ to stop so-called ‘beardism’ which I didn’t know existed. I actually just read a Wikipedia article about the “Beard Liberation Front” (saaaaad!!) and it turns out that the word ‘beardism’ didn’t even exist before they started fighting it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but fighting something that technically didn’t exist before hand is a stupid idea. If anything it has raised the profile of beardism, and may increase beardist related attacks (?!).

This is all a little tongue in cheek though as the founder of the BLF is also a spokesman for “Campaign For Real Conkers”. Anyone still taking this guy seriously?! Obviously this isn’t as serious as say, gay and transgender rights, for example. It’s just a bit of fun, I think.

Anyway, reading that easily misinterpreted headline made me look for a few more on the web. I found a short list of some so here’s a few of my faves.

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY, HUNDREDS DEAD

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

I took/stole all of those from this site. Things like that make me laugh. If these were serious, why did nobody notice? Seriously?

Anyway, it’s getting on again so I’ll leave. Hmm, just thought, I’ve still got pictures to upload. I’ll make sure I do it soon.

Night! X

BecomingElla.com

Friday, 28 December 2007

01:37

I may or may not decide to keep writing this every day. I’ll have to see how I get on. It may end up me just updating when something interesting happens.

I’m currently just thinking about sprucing up my website a bit, and I’m actually doing something about it as well. As a first step (I don’t know if it’s the best first step!) but I just got www.becomingella.com so now that immediately makes my page look more, I don’t know, purposeful. It’s a start anyway. I’d love to introduce a few more pages rather than just this blog, it would certainly make me seem more like a real person instead of just this vain creature that wants to tell everyone about what I did today. I’m positive that my development plans for this website do not make an interesting read, so I’ll pretty much just end it there. Just before I go though, watch this, I’m confident that this guy is the best stand up comedian out there. In fact he’s probably the only one I like enough to want to see him live. His name; Ross Noble, his game; nobody really knows. Watch this clip. He’s a regular Randy McRandom.

 

Night! X

And So That Was Christmas, And What Have We Done?!

Thursday, 27 December 2007

01:16

And so there was Christmas. It’s over, all the hype is finished, all the sales have started. Here’s everyday life back again.

As you may have guessed from my already down-beat tone, I didn’t have a fantastic Christmas. It was good, but not fantastic. I got a few nice things, books, DVD’s, various pointless incarnations of Homer Simpson, but not the one thing I desired, not even anything close. What, of course, I am talking about is my parents acceptance. I got nothing at all resembling acceptance or even acknowledgement of what I’d opened up to them a month and a half ago.

If anything they were giving me presents to show that they are completely against the idea. New boxers, lots of male clothes, things like that. And there’s my sister sitting next to me getting bras, perfume and make-up. Ok, I guess there was no way of preventing that as far as I can see, but even so, can they not see what this is doing to me?! I knew they wouldn’t give me anything feminine in front of my sister who knows nothing about it, but I thought they’d have at least given me something on the sly!

Ah well, maybe I’m being too optimistic on that front. Of course they’re not going to fully accept the news within two months, but I thought there might have been something. Never mind, it’s not like they’ve not got the time. Given a few years I’m sure they’ll be more accepting.

Anyway, that’s all for tonight. One of my New Years Resolutions will be to get to sleep earlier, and too be honest I can’t see the harm in starting that now!

Night! X

It’s Christmas!

Monday, 24 December 2007

06:13

Christmas is nearly here and my word has it been busy on the run up. I haven’t had a chance to add to this over the past couple of days simply because I’ve had to stay at work and do a bit of overtime. The reason? I have been sorting through a total of 3,000 turkeys, puddings and the like. It’s been hectic and a lot of hard work, but I tell you what, it feels fantastic knowing that there’s going to be thousands of people that are enjoying their Christmas dinner, thanks, in part, to me. Obviously my part was not quite as large as that of the part of the turkey farmers and lorry drivers, but still it’s good to know. Plus there’s very little to keep you going when you’re sorting through that many things, and having that feeling of accomplishment at the end is what really keeps you focused.

I have now managed to get all presents and cards needed, it’s just a case of wrapping and writing them, and I’ve got a whole day to do that. My plan today is to stay awake until most normal people go to sleep so that I won’t be sleeping right the way through Christmas Day. I am now feeling a bit tired, so I don’t know how I’ll manage it, but I’m sure going out and delivering presents will keep me awake!

Well I don’t have much time before my parents and sister wake up, so I’m going to have to finish it for now and I’m not going to be updating this for a few days due to Christmas of course and other such family events.

So I don’t believe there is anything else to say except; I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas, thank you very much for reading my blog and I will update again in a few days.

Merry Christmas! X