It’s On The Road

Monday, 7 February 2011

00:34

Just a few quick updates here:

My trip to the doctors was one of success. I’ve been referred to a nearby clinic and booked an appointment in for May. There is a two month waiting list even for this part, so it doesn’t exactly bode well for the rest of it, but I did anticipate this sort of thing. Sure going to be a whole lot of waiting around. All the same though, there’s not a lot I can do about that now, unless of course I get a nice little sum of money to do it all privately, but I’m not holding out for that.

In case any of you out there are looking to go through the same thing, the actual appointment with the doctor was easy enough. As I’d only just registered at the practice the doctor didn’t have my medical history files, so I basically had to tell him straight again. It now feels odd that at one point several years ago, telling the doctor how I felt was the scariest thing I’d thought I’d ever done! But this time it felt so much easier. I just came out and said it, and he didn’t even flinch. Not sure if it’s because I’m older, because I’m more confident, or just because I knew that doctors are just plainly not allowed to demean patient’s life choices and just give professional advice. I wasn’t even the first person he’d seen with this exact same problem. The only thing I did get a little worried about is that one of my friends mums works at that practice and I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to see my file or not, but I assume patient/doctor confidentiality does not extend to receptionists, so it should be fine.

Another good thing I’m doing at the moment is having some driving lessons, and they’re going well! I’ve had two lessons, and I feel a lot more confident already, learning all aspects in the art of the clutch. There’s not a whole lot I can say about it really. All the good driving lesson jokes have been done already. I genuinely couldn’t think of any new ones on the way to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

I kid of course. That never happened, besides, the kind of speeds I go at mean I’m probably more likely to run someone over whilst walking anyway.

Ok, well that is pretty much all I had to say. I don’t have any new pictures this time I’m afraid. It is difficult to find the time to get glammed up so much recently. Too much work and sleep I guess.

Night! X

Moving on Up!

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

10:56

I am finding it increasingly difficult to come on here and write a new entry. It feels like the longer I wait between posts, the more meaningful I have to make it. But life isn’t like the movies, something amazing and life-changing doesn’t happen everyday. Well not stuff that is movie worthy anyway. It sort of feels like I’m wandering through my days with glazed eyes, and still I do nothing about it. I’m not saying I’m wasting my life, I don’t feel that way. But it sort of feels like I’m not doing everything I want to do with it. But is that really so weird? Can you honestly say that you are glad with everything that you do right now? There are certain facts to life that include doing things that we don’t always want to, just to please others.

This is not me giving in, by the way. The situation I’m in is a difficult one, but it is neither unique nor the worst that people can experience. It just feels like there is no correct way to solve it. When it comes down to your happiness against a group of others, the answer seems to be obvious to me. You always put the other people’s happiness above your own. When you put it like that it sounds simple, but then, can you live with the consequences of that rational decision? Probably not.

On the other hand, when the only two solutions that present themselves are to be selfish, or have a possible lifetime of dissatisfaction, the solution seems so obvious again, but this time being selfish seems like the way to go.

Essentially each solution has its own pros and cons, and quite frankly I am a terrible decision maker. Seriously, I have problems choosing what to have for breakfast. It does feel a little like being thrown into the deep-end as soon as you leave education. It’s like up until that point you have been given a guided tour down a narrow path, and soon as the path ends, you’re pushed into an expansive field with absolutely no indication as to which direction to go. Some kids know what they want to do as soon as they pop out the womb it seems, but when I was younger I only ever half-heartedly stated I wanted to be an artist. There was one point that I was set on being a fairground ride designer, but that’s mainly because I played too much RollerCoaster Tycoon! I enjoy all sorts of things, but I’ve never really liked something enough to want to do it professionally, nor have I really got the skills to anyway.

I guess my problem is that I have very little direction in my life. I need to set myself some solid life goals and actually make sure I achieve them.

Ok, in the next two weeks I will, will, go back to the doctors to begin me on that road again. I will also have a look out for some better looking jobs. Also, let’s see if I can take some more pictures, and not just of myself.

Speaking of pictures of myself, here’s a few I didn’t upload from the last batch!

Time to break free.

Night! X

Tranisa.com

Tuesday, 14 July 2010

22:06

Ok, here goes.

This is exciting. Exciting, but still pretty nerve-wracking! I’ve had a professional photo shoot done for a new website, along with a couple of videos. I think I’ll just go ahead and show you them. There’s not a whole lot of point beating around the bush. First off, there’s this. It’s a video of my photo shoot.

 

Different look right? Never thought blonde would suit me as much as it did, but then I did used to be blonde when I was younger so I guess it makes sense.

Ok, and here are a few of the photos that came out of it.

 

So, the website, in case you haven’t guessed by now is Tranisa.com. What it hopes to do is create non-explicit transgender fantasy films. I’m sure some of you will be familiar with Fictionmania, and that’s basically what this is but with films instead of stories. They are currently looking for more models/actors to star in their films, so why not go for it if you want to!

I hope this project does work out well for the people involved, whether I’m part of it or not. I think it will as well, it does seem like something that’s lacking on the internet, or anywhere for that matter.

I don’t think I’m going to go on and say much more for now. Yesterday I had a 13 hour night shift and I’m feeling a little tired today, what with my messed up sleep pattern, so I don’t really feel like staying up much longer. I think what I’ve given you is enough stuff to peruse for now anyway. I look forward to hearing your feedback about it all!

One thing I will just say, yes I know, I really need to sort out my voice. I really do hate it, and what is more annoying is that I think I sometimes sound ok, but then listening back to my voice on a recording just makes it sound ridiculous and very deep. If I’m going to be in any of these films, or even just in day to day life I’m going to need to train my voice.

Oh yes, I’m also aware that the last video I uploaded is only available in the states because of the music licensing stuff. I will sort this out one way or another soon, but until then, just treat it like any major film release; in America they usually come out several months before it comes to other parts of the world. I’ve never understood why that happens, can they not take too much money in one week or something? Wallets not big enough?!

Anyway, I’m going to bed.

Night! X

Best Blog-Post-About-Being-Suspended-From-Work-By-Someone-Named-Ella of the Decade…ever!

Thursday, 31 December 2009

01:40

Here we are, last day of the year. It’s been quite a big one for me. Year that is, not day. I could summarise everything that’s happened to me since this time last year, but a) I don’t remember, b) You could just read the few posts I’ve done this year if you were really interested, and c) Nobody really likes “End of the Year” clip show recap kind of things. I know this because right now every other show on TV and article on the internet is one. There’s all these awards going around I doubt there’s anything that doesn’t have an award, and even then they’d probably receive an award-less award or something.

It’s also worse this year because there’s “Best of the Decade” awards as well. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of them for introducing me to new things I may have missed, but there seems to be this constant desire to rank everything. And then you get the people that disagree with an order of ranking and kick up a fuss. For goodness sake people, just enjoy what you enjoy and stop trying to convert everyone to the same views you have. It’s as bad as religion.

Hmm, religion. Yeh, I’m not going to go there.

So anyway, I have recently been suspended from work. For something that wasn’t my fault I’d like to add. They told me I shouldn’t be telling anyone about this, so keep this quiet, internet. Basically I was suckered into breaking our rules without me realising. I won’t go into too much detail, just in case, but I was effectively set up, and the only thing I’m guilty of is being an idiot by not noticing it. An investigation into it is currently ongoing, but if my interview was anything to go by, I’ll find out the verdict in about May. I couldn’t quite believe that they could ask me enough questions to constitute the 4 ½ hours interview I had. Well in fact they didn’t. Most of the time was me sitting around waiting for the interviewer to come back and then ask me the same question again. It was a bit ridiculous. It also made me cry, which is the second or third time I’ve broken down crying in front of people at work. I’m just not a very strong person in confrontational situations, and can very easily be intimidated. Unfortunately me crying seemed to make them believe I may have a guilty conscience. Ah well, if it comes out at the end of this that I’m guilty I definitely won’t be leaving it at that, I’ll bring in the big boy lawyers to seek justice. Then I’ll find another job.

So apart from possibly being sacked, I’m not doing bad. I had a great Christmas. My parents are still not acknowledging my transgenderism at all, and still insist on getting me typically ‘boy’ presents. I do like some of it, but that’s not the point, it’s that they’re just pretending I’ve never told them that bugs me. Fortunately though, my girlfriend Sarah got me nothing but typically ‘girl’ presents. Some pink bootie slippers, a big box of Boots No.7 cosmetics and creams, and a beautiful ring amongst other things. My friend Laura also got me a really nice necklace and a pair of pink patterned socks. It’s been great, I’ve loved everything I got. I got a lot of fancy chocolate too; right now I’m eating some Cocoa Dusted Chocolate Truffles, sipping Champagne, and laughing patronisingly at the lower classes.

I’m kidding.

I am eating the truffles, but that’s because I’m hungry and it’s too late to cook anything, and a lot of the dusty cocoa is going down my top, so yeh, it’s not quite as grandiose as I led on.

That’s 6 down, 24 to go.

Om Nom Nom Nom.

The longer I’m here writing this the smaller that 24 will get and the bigger my tummy will get, along with the size of my regret tomorrow morning when I’m leaning over the toilet, sick from excessive chocolate consumption. Never had that to be honest.

Well, there’s a first time for everything

Om Nom Nom Nom.

It is getting a bit late. You can tell it quite easily if you’ve got the TV on. When the only thing on that you want to watch are music channels, you know it’s time for a kip.

Oh, I better just say, I’ve been messing around with the domain name BecomingElla.com, and it’s gone a bit funky, so if you use that to find me use this address for now(https://becomingella.wordpress.com/), I’ll see if I can get it fixed, but my domain maintenance skills are somewhat lacking. I’d also like to get myself a proper hosted webpage, but I don’t yet have the expendable cash for it and this is uninteresting!

Ok, I’ll leave it there, here’s a few pics, and my song of the moment. It’s not exactly Christmassy, I’m just loving it.

Hope you had Happy Holidays and have a Great New Year.

Night! X

Friends Will Be Friends

Monday, 9 November 2009

01:40

No matter how many times I say things like “I’ll be sure to write on here again sooner” it never seems to stick like it used to. Sure, before, I was single, I spent most of my nights alone, this was a fun distraction and it served as a great way of expressing myself. Now though, I express myself in the physical world daily. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, I really am not, but it has stopped the need of this so much. I still enjoy it, but it doesn’t fulfil me as much as before. Also, seen as I’m now updating less, I feel like all my blog posts now need a point, they can’t just be inane observations. It would seem like that’s all that happened in the two months it’s been since I last updated.

Well, seen as were talking about it now, I will tell you what’s been happening. I have opened up to another couple of friends. One of which already knew, (through a friend I once told mistakenly on a drunken night) but he was absolutely fine with it, and the other friend was even better than absolutely fine about it. She has since seen my pictures, read this blog, and seen me dressed in person, and then done my hair… and makeup. So yeh, she’s not exactly going to be turning up at my door with a flaming torch and a face twisted into a transphobia induced rage. It does make me question why I never told them before, but then again we did it the right way like this, instead of just blurting out to a fairly untrustworthy friend in McDonalds whilst under the influence of a few too many vodka based drinks! Doing it that way clearly gives the impression that I’m happy for them to go telling anyone they like! *sarcasm*

I have to admit though, I have been overwhelmed by the level of acceptance amongst my group of friends. There are only now two or three in our main group that don’t know, and hopefully they will be as understanding as the rest have been. I do feel sorry for those of you out there that don’t have the most open-minded friends, but if you haven’t tried to tell them yet, you might be surprised. Even if they sometimes make jokes about that kind of thing, it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t understand it if you opened up to them; if they’re true friends they will do their best to learn to understand, in fact they may be secretly a little pleased that you feel you are close enough to them to tell them that. I know I would be if a close friend ever opened their heart to me.

So, I’ve just had a week off from work, which has been great. Haven’t done much, in fact these few paragraphs are pretty much the extent of anything of any merit that I have produced, but hey, holidays are meant to be about chilling out and relaxing. Chillaxing if you will. I, will not, I actually hate myself for writing that. I may just go over to the wall and tenderise my forehead on it for a while.

Anyway, I do have a good reason to…relax recently, because I have recently been given a promotion. Yeh ok, I still work in a store, but now I’m going to classed as a “Section Coordinator”. That is if this Christmas period goes well. I know I’m good enough for the job, hell, I could probably get myself a job ten times better if I actually set my mind to it, but for now it’s pretty decent. Basically, all I have to do different is tell people what to do instead of doing it myself. Yep, I’m just given a throne and my minions will fetch me grapes and wine and kiss my feet and give me head massages and I will chuckle loudly to myself and it will be magnificent. Well…I have been off work for a week, so my memories of it may be a little warped, but it’s something like that.

Ok I’ll leave it there. I think I will start a new thing where in every post I’ll link to the infinite time killer that is YouTube with a song that I’ve been playing a lot recently or just something I want to people to listen to. Be it legal or ill, it doesn’t really matter, I’m only pointing at it.

This time, it’s “Road Rage” by Catatonia. It’s very 90’s, well it’s from the 90’s at least, can’t get much more 90’s than that. I just reminds me of school and that, I like it.

Oh and of course the pictures. Here’s one of me with me real hair curled, done by the girl I’ve only told recently. Yes, that’s right it’s another for my relatively small “Sans Wig” collection!

Night! X

Good Times…

Saturday, 06 June 2009

22:05

I’ve been really busy lately. It’s all good stuff too. Last Sunday, I went up to Alton Towers, which if you haven’t heard, is a fairly decent theme park. Possibly the best one in the UK. Well I had a good day, although I did get pretty sick from Air (that’s the name of a ride, not the actual atmosphere). I have always been a little prone to motion sickness, but it seems to get worse as time goes on. The way things are going, by the time I’m 50 I’ll be throwing up when I lean forward for the TV remote.

But yeah, Alton Towers was great after I’d recovered. And that’s not all; I managed to top that on Thursday. Me, my girlfriend, and another couple headed up to Manchester and saw Oasis live, which was a-maz-ing. I’d only seen a couple of live bands before including Bon Jovi and *cough* S Club 7. But (fairly obviously) Oasis blew them out the water. It did have a few hiccups at the start though. During the first song, the whole stage lost power, and then during the second it went again. Turns out the generator blew out, so it took another 45 minutes or so for the techies to sort it. But once it did, it was the best live music I’d ever seen. We were pretty close to the stage as well; right in the front pit. I really am going to have to see more live bands in the future.

That isn’t all I’m up to this week either. It’s my birthday on the 10^th June and to celebrate, I’m heading down to London with my girlfriend this coming weekend and going out as Ella hopefully all the time. I’ll be going to a TG club I’ve been to before. I’m not comfortable putting my exact location out on the internet for anyone to see, but if you’re out in London this coming Saturday in a TG bar you may see me! I have no idea what I’m wearing yet, but I’ve got plenty of choices now. I can’t seem to stop buying things, and I really should stop, money is more and more becoming a nasty issue.

I think I’m going to have to leave this one here. I keep getting sidetracked with the likes of YouTube and music. This isn’t good. I’ve not really been in a decent writing mood for a long time, but I do still really want to. I enjoy writing when I’m in the right frame of mind, but when you’re not it’s pretty tricky to think of subjects. And yet there is so much that should be going on in my life. I guess I could think of something completely irrelevant, but that would be like fishing in a barrel of fish only to find a toy space shuttle…

Oh I did see this male Britney impersonator on “America’s Got Talent” that looked pretty convincing and to be honest I’m a little jealous, but yeah hey, that’s why he’s on TV and I’m not. -EDIT: Just found out this was from last year’s show. Why is it the UK gets these shows a year late even if it’s our own programme format!? So anyway yes, sorry if you’ve already seen this about 20 times already-

I have to admit, I do get very jealous of a lot of women or crossdressers etc. that look better than me. It’s probably one of my worst traits. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a perfectionist as well. I always try to look the best I can, and when I still don’t look as good as some people it upsets me a bit, but that’s really something I’ve got to get over. If I can’t get the confidence in myself at all, I’ve got no hope! It’s just sometimes if I go out to clubs and see all these girls my age having a great time, and I’m feeling all ugly in my boy clothes, it can really get to me. And it has been getting worse. Recently, more often than not, I’ve been coming home really upset and physically in tears. It’s not really healthy. I think I talk about this quite a bit, and if I am repeating myself, I’m sorry, but it’s been on mind that much.

Having said that though, I am having a great time with Sarah and despite the weekly fits of tears I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Makes you think how bad I must have been before.

Well hey look I wrote a bit more. That’s what happens when you turn you music off and resist the urge of YouTube. Must…not…look….

***45 Minutes Later***

Damn it. It did it again. They should put some kind of warning up before you watch any videos on there. “We will not be held responsible for any viewers that never see the sun again”

Talking of YouTube…

***30 Minutes Later***

Argh, damnit. Talking of YouTube, my “Born a Girl” video has nearly broken the 200,000 viewers mark which I’m relatively impressed about. I may well think about uploading some more videos soon. I do still want to do one of me playing the keyboard, but because that requires me to practice, I probably won’t for a while. Maybe I’ll get something when I go out in London. Yeah, I’ll see what I can do…

Night! X

Hello Home

Saturday, 25 April 2009

00:22

I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that that isn’t exactly true.

I currently have very little to be unhappy about, despite my whole situation I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have moved out fully, and living with Sarah in the flat I spoke about in my last post. It is amazing how quickly we settled in. I can’t believe it, we’ve had very few problems, with each other that is. We’ve had a few problems with the flat but it was never going to be perfectly smooth. First problem we have, which we actually noticed during the first viewing, is that our video entry system didn’t work. They said they’d get it fixed up before we moved in. And they did, to a fashion. It works, but sometimes the screen goes black and you have to give it a slight loving whack for the screen to come on again. But I’ve got to be honest with you, the very fact that we have a video entry system outweighs the fact that it doesn’t exactly work correctly. How cool is that, we can literally see the disappointment on someone’s face when we don’t let them in.

We’ve also had a problem with the shower where the perfect temperature can only be achieved by turning the tap to just the correct angle. Any other angle gives you no hot water, or just hot water. Not fantastic.

Also the washer/dryer is only half good. Meaning it washes but doesn’t dry. Which isn’t too bad as we can just put the clothes on our radiators. Oh wait, no we can’t, because whenever we turn the heating on, all of the flats in our surrounding radius, including our own, hear something similar to a constant drilling sound. We’ve had our neighbours knocking on our doors wondering why they’ve not been invited to our Power Tool Party!

There’s not a lot else wrong with the flat to be honest, at least these things are all fixable, it’s not something wrong with the flat per se. Although the heating may be a bit tricky to fix, I don’t really know, I’m not a plumber.

But that’s all relatively uninteresting when compared to the fact that I am now a half full time woman. Some might say that’s called part time, but not me, I’m a ‘half full’ kind of girl! Basically I get to dress in my girls stuff whenever I’m not at work, and we don’t have people coming over. Which is working out to be quite a lot of the time. We’ve also been shopping so I have a lot of new clothes and shoes! Yay! In fact Sarah consistently points out that I now have more clothes than she does. It’s probably true, but that’s only because I have two sets of clothes. We do still need a wardrobe to put all these clothes in though, we haven’t really done it the right way around, but never mind. Clothes are more important than places to point them in.

Also this morning I just had my very first breast forms delivered. Before I was using two rather uncomfortable and itchy balls that my dad once brought home from a team building exercise. God knows why, but I certainly appreciated the random sentiment of receiving two very perfect boob sized balls! But none of that any more, I’ve got something much better now. I’ll let you know how they go, I paid good money for them so they better be decent! They’re colour isn’t exactly similar to my skin colour, so don’t expect any good cleavage shots because of them. They have said you can put make-up on them to try and blend the colours together, but I’m not sure it’s really going to work that well. Oh well, they sure feel a lot more real and look better under clothing too. And they bounce!

Enough about my boobs that aren’t really boobs. I shall leave you now and go get some food. I haven’t had tea yet and it’s like 1am, ah well. I’ll have my tea and go to bed. Sarah is out clubbing tonight, so when she comes back she’s probably going to wake me up one way or another. I. Can. Not. Wait…

So here’s the first batch from a lot of new photos I have for you all. Hope you like!

Night! X

Moving On Out, Time To Break Free…

Sunday, 22 March 2009

23:56

So ok, my entries are getting more and more infrequent, but hopefully that will change soon.

I have moved forward a lot since I last updated you. Me and Sarah have been looking for flats to move out into and last week, we found a great one. It’s a one bedroom ground floor apartment with a lovely view of a grass roundabout. It really isn’t too bad even if it sounds it, and hey, it’s probably one of the only views in the city that actually has greenery. It wasn’t massive but it doesn’t need to be and we both liked it from the start, so, we registered our interest with the estate agents and put down a reservation fee, filled out some forms and they’ll be getting back to us in the next few days to let us know if our background checks come up clean.

You may think this is all going a bit quickly and, in usual circumstances I guess it is. We have, after all, only been together for about 3 months. But we had talked about moving out before we even got together and we both really want this so we figured we’d just go for it. If it doesn’t work yet, then so what, at least we tried it. It’s not the end of the world; I don’t think my parents are going to be renting out my room that quickly! But the truth is I think we do work really well as a couple and we shouldn’t have too many problems. Unconventional? Sure, but we like it that way!

Obviously I’m quite excited about moving out. It opens a lot of doors that were firmly sealed at home with my family. We can be ourselves and live for ourselves when we have our own place, and if this all works out with this flat, we could be moving in in a week or so. ‘A week or so’ can’t come too soon for me!

Apart from that I should let you know about the skiing holiday I had. It was fantastic. The views were amazing, the place was amazing, it was a break I really needed. What I did not need however was the twisted knee I got from the first day of skiing. I can’t really say it wasn’t my own fault, but I will anyway… This kid darted in front of me so I had to turn quickly and go off piste. Unfortunately that particular patch had some rather nasty bumps which caused me to lose control and the next thing I knew I was coming to a stop in a rather awkward position next to some random foreign skiers. My Dad came over and helped me up and whilst my knee was a bit stiff, it didn’t feel like any lasting damage had occurred. This could well have been true because the next fall about 20 metres down the slope was probably the one that did the damage. It wasn’t even dramatic, it was slow and awkward, like a seal trying to ski. I just fell awkwardly again and then my knee just couldn’t take my weight very well. I did manage to ski back to the chalet without falling again, but I had to miss a day of skiing afterwards to try and recover. Thankfully I did, and the rest of the holiday went by without a hitch.

It was fine until recently when I went back to work. I have to lift quite a lot of wine at work and since my knee was hurting, I was bending it less to pick things up and because of that I’ve now done my back in a bit. I feel like I’m falling apart here! What’s going on! I have been getting slowly better again, but it’s still not quite right.

So yes, there you go, you’re all up to date now. Hopefully I’ll be able to be a lot more active on here once I move out, more entries, more pictures, maybe another video, I don’t know. We’ll see. I do have a lot of ideas going through my mind about what I could do, so hopefully some of them can actually happen when there are no prying eyes watching.

Instead of new pictures of me, here’s a few of my holiday.

Sorry, did I just hear a collective sigh of disappointment? Live with it.

 

  

 

Night! X

Leaving Singledom After 21 Years

Saturday, 27 December 2008

01:58

So, I went for it. Here I am typing right now and I’m not single, for the first time in my life. I’m going out with Sarah and I’m loving it! She is amazing, and while I was extremely nervous to start off, things are getting a bit better and hopefully I can soon be more relaxed with her. She is completely accepting of the real me, so much so that she even got me make-up for Christmas. I got loads! Well I think its loads because I’ve never had any, but I really didn’t expect her to get all the basics! It’s all good stuff too, I can’t wait to try it out.

There are some small problems though. Well one really. And this may sound bizarre given what I’ve already told my parents, but I am having a hard time talking about Sarah with them. They don’t yet know that I’m going out with her and that I’m planning to move out in the near future. I know it isn’t, but I can’t help but feel that I’m giving them mixed messages. So I want to be a girl, ok, oh but wait, what’s this, I have a girlfriend now. I know they don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I would imagine my parents would think so. I just hope it’s not too much at once for them, but then again it has been over a year since I told them. I’m not even sure if they’d take this well or not. If they did take it well, it would probably be because they think the first thing I told them isn’t applicable anymore, but then I guess I’d have to explain it to them.

To make things just a tad more complicated, Sarah doesn’t know that my parents don’t know yet either. It’s not that I’ve lied, she just presumes I have told them, if it came up in conversation I’d probably tell her.

Ok, so what should I do? Is this too much for my parents if they haven’t actually come to accept me yet? Or should I just tell them and live my life without constantly seeking the acceptance of others? I know which option sounds better for me. I guess if I am going to be moving out soon, who I’m going with is going to be one of the first questions! I guess I have to tell them.

I realise that I am yet again over thinking a fairly simple matter, and I’m sorry, but that’s just what I do!

I am very much looking forward to moving out though. It is something that I’ve wanted ever since I got a taste for it at University. Sharing a place with someone who is not only accepting, but excited about the real me is clearly going to give me a lot more time of dressing how I want. I aim to do it pretty much all the time when I’m not working. That should give me more of an idea of how my life will pan out when I go through with this. I also hope to get back to the doctors and start on hormones as soon as I can once I’ve moved in. And we’re not talking years away here, maybe just a month or two, we’ll see what’s around. I honestly can’t wait! Things will probably get a lot more interesting and I’ll try to keep this updated regularly.

Well I better go, don’t want to leave you with an essay to read! Here’s some new pictures!

Oh yeah, and I hope you had a good Christmas and I wish you all a Happy New Year if I don’t write on here before then.

Night! X

The Sin of Indecision

Thursday, 11 December 2008

01:51

Hi, I’d like to apologise once again for the drunken entry you received a few days ago, but on the plus side, it is going to illustrate my point perfectly.

Sarah. She’s a fantastic friend. Extraordinary! Marvellous! Incredible! As a friend. But, we’re moving beyond the ‘friend-zone’ now and into the realms ‘oh-my-god-this-is-all-so-new-to-me-I-don’t-have-a-clue-what-I’m-doing-and-whether-this-is-really-what-I-want’ zone.

The truth is, I guess, I’m finding it hard to be attracted to her for longer than just a night. When we’re kissing, when I’m quite drunk, everything is fine. I love how she makes me feel and I couldn’t be happier. When I wake up the next day, I’m suddenly filled with confusion. I still want to be with her, yes, but then again, I kinda don’t want to be with her. It is the hardest thing to try and write down, but I’m sure anyone who’s been in this situation will know. Am I just reacting this way because I’ve never done it before? Probably.

I think it’s probably got a lot to do with the fact I don’t want to have a relationship while I look like I do now. Because I’ve imagined this situation over in my head, and if I was born a girl I’d probably be jumping at the chance to be with her. I don’t want this gender issue to get in the way of everything, but it seems the possibility of a relationship with someone has made everything more confusing to me.

She’s also quite emotionally vulnerable herself. She’s only recently got over a previous boyfriend who treated her terribly and dumped her the night after she paid for a hotel room with him, and on top of that she opened up to him about a lot of things which is hard enough for Sarah anyway. Because of that I’m scared that I’m going to hurt her as well. I don’t want to be stupid and indecisive when really she needs someone that will stay with her for a long time and I’m not sure I want that. I do want to move in with her, I know that, but I’m not sure if that’s because of her or because I get to be me more.

I want this to work, I really do, but I don’t know if I’m ready. But if I’m not ready now, when will I ever be? Should I just go for it? We’ll see.

Night! X