Replies Would Be Nice

Friday, 18 July 2008

23:42

I don’t know what to think anymore. I want to upload a video of me, just of me. How vain is that?! Why do I want to do this? Why am I signed up to all these websites, yet whenever someone sends me a message I just get scared and end up never replying. Why do I rarely, if ever, reply to my mail? I do want to meet people like me, and chat and make friends, I love making new friends. In my mind if I upload a video of myself I will get more mail, but, then, why bother if I don’t even reply to the mail I’ve got? What on earth is the point? I really think I should make it a point that from this moment forth I will reply to all mail I get. I feel horrible for not being able to find the time to reply. The only time I can get online and do this sort of thing is now, when the rest of my family is in bed and I’m free to browse the net at my leisure.

Ok, that’s it, I’ll try it, see how I get on. I just don’t want to stay up too late replying. And no that doesn’t mean I get sooo much mail that I’m overwhelmed, it’s just that I take a long time thinking of exactly what to say in my replies. I like to actually have a point to replying.

Ok I will upload that video, and possibly a few more in the future, and I promise that I’ll reply to your emails etc. That is of course if it isn’t something blatantly not worth replying to.

I’ll also try and write on here more often.

Oh and get back to the doctors.

And tell more of my closest friends about me.

And get a decent job.

And try to get my parents to understand.

Then move out.

Then… who knows.

Night! X

More Options, Harder Decisions

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

00:52

I am actually still here. Things have not been great for me recently. Since telling my parents, nothing at all has changed in their perception of me as a person. In fact it may have changed a bit, but they now are more keen than ever to ‘make a man out of me’. My physical situation is still the same as it was way back when in my last entry. I am still in the physical sense, a guy. And it sucks.

I recently ‘celebrated’ my 21^st birthday. (“Yay I’m getting older” always seemed to be an odd reason to celebrate to me). My parents knew what I wanted. The same thing I wanted last Christmas. Nothing more than their acceptance. But no, what do I get? They get me shirts. Manly horrible shirts. They know I hate them, all my life I’ve grown up saying how much I hate wearing shirts, but far from acknowledging that as part of me, they insist on changing it. Changing me.

All I can say is that my home life is strangling me more than ever. Perhaps if it were not for my genuine friends… well… let’s not go there. I have recently opened up to one of my close friends, Sarah, who actually fancies me. It was tricky; basically I had to tell her the truth about me right after she told me the truth about how she feels about me, which to be honest, I already knew anyway. She took it well at the time, and since then it’s only got better. When I went out this Monday, one of her friends was blatantly flirting with me, and I got scared, I didn’t really know what to do to stop her liking me. So I talked to Sarah quietly and she then led me away somewhere more private and we got talking again. I did start to get upset, and Sarah did prove to be a great shoulder to cry on. She said she’d always be there for me and look out for me, which was fantastic to hear. Then though, she admitted that she does still fancy me, even after what I’ve told her. She then said I’m make a very pretty girl and she asked if she’d be allowed to flirt with me when I’m a girl! I couldn’t believe the compliments and I was getting even more upset just from an overflow of emotions more than anything else.

Anyway, nothing else happened that night. I told her I wanted to go so I didn’t have to face that flirting girl again. We did head off and talked a bit more, but nothing much more interesting happened.

Some of you out there in my situation would probably be over the moon at the offer of a relationship with a girl even after any kind of gender reassignment, but I’m still really unsure of what I want out of relationships. It’s hard enough to figure out who I am, let alone who I want to be with as well.

I feel like right now I’m at a crossroads in my life. Such a cheesy statement, but it is so true. To the left, there’s Sarah, who seems to want to go out with the real me, but to be honest with you, I’m not sure I like back. To my right, there’s a 40 year old guy with a hard-on at his desk waiting for a reply at some swingers site. Directly in front of me is, dropping everything, moving out, living somewhere completely different and start my life how I want to lead it. Or there’s the way I came, continue living as a guy to please my family and to inevitably lead my life on a depressive state of affairs.

I don’t see another option. I cannot see myself happily being a girl in the city I live in now, I don’t think I could continue working where I do. I’d need a new start. It’s not running away, I’d still endeavour to please my family any way I could, it’s just going to be so much easier for me in a new place.

Well, I have a lot to think about.

Night! X

It’s Your Life…Right?!

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

03:02

I’m currently trying to stay up until the early hours so that my upcoming night shifts will be a bit more productive. The thing is, I am a little tipsy after several interesting tasting drinks at one of the “glorified bars” in town. I would just like to take this moment to say that I’m not always out drinking and I do not in anyway suggest it as a form of escapism. Yes it does help to alleviate problems that bug me from day to day, but if I drank every day, this would become a problem in itself. I’m not always drunk and I don’t need alcohol to have a good night, it just helps!

Anyway, my life right now… When I’m not working or out having fun I’m lost in thought. So many things have been going through my mind recently. I still have not been back to the doctors to get the ball rolling again. Why?! I don’t know. I think maybe I’m just scared, like, let’s face it, any person would be. This is after all a huge literally life changing decision that if I screw up will bug me the rest of my life. The thing is, is that I’m so jealous of the other girls that have gone through it and got further than me and are living as girls. I am jealous but even that doesn’t make me go out there and sort myself out. Telling my parents has both been a blessing and a curse, unfortunately the blessing side of it seems to be disguised. It has been an extremely effective reality check, which does let me set my horizons horizontal again, but then it does make me feel absolutely terrible for what I’m doing to my family. I know it’s my life and all that, but whatever I do is going to affect the family in some way and it seems like it’s most likely to be a negative affect. I’m just wondering, is all of this really worth it? I could stay living as a guy. My family would be fine with me, my friends would be ok, but I would always regret that decision, I just know it, and I will constantly try to push the boundaries as far as I can to make myself appear as female as possible. Or I could start living as a female and possibly alienate half my family just for my own satisfaction. Both ways seem like the wrong thing to do.

Despite the amount of times people say it, I still don’t believe it fully; my life cannot always be what I want it to be. There are so many factors that affect it. For instance I speak to countless married crossdressers who hide their secret from their wives. Sometimes these people have kids too. Now, how can “Live your life how you want” be a good suggestion to someone in this position. It is such a difficult situation to sort out. If you told the truth it could wreck your life, completely throw open the gates of the unknown. So the question is really, would you rather a life of lies and laughter, or truths and troubles? It’s a tricky one, and really I do not know my answer to that yet. Lets just say, my ‘Becoming Ella’ is far from the imminent reality just now, even though I want it so much.

Night! X

The Definition of a Bad Night Out

Saturday, 15 March 2008

00:24

It seems like occasional updates are the way forward, instead of daily. I may get back into it again properly, but I won’t kick myself if I don’t.

I’ve been back at work this week, and everything has fallen back to exactly how it was before. Nothing really seems to have changed which is great for me because I can just get on with it again.

As I said a few days ago, I was supposed to go out on the Monday night with all my friends to our usual club. We did, but that’s pretty much the only good thing about it. Overall the night was a complete disaster, I’ll run you through it.

It started fine enough. We were all over at a friend of mines who owns a Wii. I went there straight from work so it was basically straight into party mode. Playing on the Wii may sound harmless enough, but a friend called Rob suggested “Drinking Bowling”. The rules, if that’s what they can be called, were that if you drop the ball, you have a shot, if you get a gutterball, you have a shot, if you get a half strike, you have a shot, if you get a strike, you have two shots, if you drop the ball first but then roll a strike, you have a triple shot etcetera etcetera. This was done for every round. So there’s ten rounds, and when you bear in mind that Wii bowling is easier than real bowling, you can understand just how many units we got through in about half an hour.

Thus, blurriness of the brain is induced.

After an amount of time we called a cab to take us into town, by which time the friend who’s house it was, was pretty sloshed, and we were worried about whether he was going to get in or not. I was especially worried because I was supposed to be crashing at his that night too. It turns out we were right to be worried. Before entering the club he was sick onto a wall we had to hold him to keep him from falling into his own mess. Basically it was extremely over-optimistic to think that he’d get in, and when he didn’t, Rob stayed with him to sober up. So in went the rest of us.

After another forgotten amount of time, Rob started ringing and texting us for the house keys of the guy that was too far gone. (We figured it would probably be best to give him as few things to lose as possible) Rob rang me, and, if anyone else has been in a packed noisy club recently, and tried to hear someone on the phone, you’ll realise just how difficult it is. Eventually, after countless attempts he came running up to us to get the keys, only to find out that he had them all along, which annoyed us all.

So the drunk guy went off home not to be heard of again for a while. And so the night continued. It got progressively worse. All of my friends, bar one, had relationship problems. A couple we were with started fighting over nothing in particular, a friend of mine’s possible boyfriend just admitted he hadn’t got over his ex. One girl we were with ‘pulled’ and we heard nothing from her after that until an “I’ve made a huge mistake” text the next day. I was just sat in the middle not really knowing what to do or say to anyone.

Finally the club shut and we headed home. Well I headed for the drunk guys house, still hoping for a night there. After all, all of my things were there, including house keys, my bike, my clothes. Me, and the arguing couple, who were hoping to stay at his house too, got there only to find the place completely shut up. And he wasn’t answering his phone. As it stood we were outside his house at 4am looking for ways to ‘break in’ without actually ‘breaking’ anything. After one guy climbed on the garage, we came to the conclusion that there was no way to do that, so, after much contemplation and worry for his health, we gave up.

We headed to the girls’ house which was luckily not too far away. She then broke it to me that I couldn’t stay there, but her boyfriend could, because her mother and daughter was there and would not approve of a random person on their sofa. They then suggested I bike it back to my house with the guys bike. I was about 2 ½ miles from home and I was still under the affect of alcohol, so I didn’t like the idea, but it seemed I didn’t have any choice. I got on the bike only to find, lo and behold, that it had a puncture. There were no more options left, I was just going to have to make my own way back, whatever way I could.

So I walked back into town, on my own, in the dark, at a nasty time of night, in search of a cab which I was lucky enough to be able to afford. I walked about a mile looking for one, but it did happen and eventually I did manage to get back home and into my own nice warm bed.

It was one hell of a night for all the wrong reasons. I just hope they don’t come around that often.

There were so many things that happened that night that I won’t touch on simply because it needs lengthy back stories and frankly, I don’t have the time/give a damn. That was five nights ago and in another two nights they’re planning on doing it all again, lets just hope it goes smoother.

Oh yeh, here’s a kinda new picture. Not new, just not uploaded. I really want to take some new ones again soon.

One more thing, check out Genderfork. One of my pictures is on there, yay!

Night! X

A Fortnight’s Freedom Finished

Monday, 10 March 2008

01:25

I really feel annoyed with myself for not updating, but hey, that’s the way it goes sometimes. It’s not just uploading on here for people to read, it’s more for my own benefit when I’m older. These past two weeks have been very busy with clubbing and having fun. I’ve met a few knew people, I’ve learnt a few new things about people I already knew, and I met some people I once knew that I stopped knowing, but have now got the chance to know again. It’s great!

One of my biggest things to hear was that I am fancied, by girls that I know. What am I supposed to do about that?! Just tell them all and get it over with? I think that’s probably the best option, but when they’re in a big group it’s difficult. There’s one girl in particular that I’ve just met over the past few weeks and she’s going out with one of my best friends. She is, cool, I guess, but compared to my best friends ex, she is a lot more outgoing, sexual and flirty. She flirts with me openly in front of my friend, I feel really awkward for him because his last girlfriend was nothing like this. Also his ex has also started being flirty with me, which seems to me, to be a means of getting back at my friend. It’s all very complicated and maybe one day I’ll talk more about my friends, because at the moment there’s a whole lot of ‘soap’-like drama going on. Unwanted pregnancies, bisexual attraction, talent show applying. It all gets ahead of me so quickly it’s difficult to keep up. Worst of all my whole group of friends is sex-obsessed, and they all know I’m a virgin, so when the conversation somehow makes its way to me, there’s usually an awkward silence. I want to be open with them, but I like them all so much I’d hate to break up the group with difference of opinion. Some people would stand by me, most I believe, but there’s a couple of people I would certainly question understanding.

Also, there is a party on the horizon. 5^th April. And it’s fancy dress…

Do I dare? Do I go as something female?! They said anything goes, so….

I don’t know, I’ll see. I really want to, but, again, we’ll see.

By the way, if you can’t tell from the inevitable spelling mistakes I’ve failed to notice and the general typing-whilst-drunk vibe of this entry, I have had a few to drink. Only a few but enough to blur the lines a bit. Unfortunately drink has taken a very prominent role in the last fortnight, which has been fun, yes, but it has also felt like it’s gone ten times quicker because I can’t remember much of it. All of a sudden, here I am one night away from working again. It’s annoying! Why do holidays always come to an end?! In a way I want to get back, just so I can feel more like I’m doing something with my life and I will be a little more distracted from my gender problems, but in so many more ways, I want to go out with friends and have fun!

Well it’s getting late again, and I really should get a relatively early night for my 1pm start tomorrow. Until the crack of noon…

Night! X

Social Life 2 : The Return Of The Social Life

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

00:49

I feel annoyed at myself for not having the time or commitment currently to keep this up to date daily. I have had fairly good reasons for the past two nights, but anytime before that, just pure laziness. I guess it’s good to take a break occasionally, helps keep my writing fresh. I do love writing, maybe my favourite pastime, but you can get too much of a good thing.

The skiing holiday that I was supposed to be going on with Dad seems to have fallen to pieces because the places that aren’t fully booked are either extortionate or have no snow, and that is kinda vital for skiing. I’m not really sure how I feel about this, I would like to try new things and I would like to see more of the world, but I’m just so god darn scared! I guess that’s all part of the thrill. I was supposed to go on a skiing trip with my school six years ago, but I felt the same back then, and contracted some form of gastroenteritis. At the time I felt lucky that I had an excuse not to go, but now looking back I feel that if I’d have gone then, I’d have had the confidence to do it now. Ah well, as it turns out it probably won’t be left up to me anyway.

I am two days into my two weeks off currently, and I am pleased that I’ve managed to get out with friends both nights. That pattern looks to continue for the rest of the week as well with things planned for everyday until Saturday. But if you’ve read my diary at all before, you’ll know that only half of those will come to fruition.

I do like going out and I really like not having work, that kinda goes without saying (but I said it anyway), but I have to say, having more time to myself to think and everything has proved to me that bugger all goes on in my life apart from my job. Without that I’m actually nothing. If anyone has read/watched “About A Boy” I feel like Will, the only difference being I have a job. But let’s be honest, it’s not much to shout about anyway. I can do better, I know I can, but I really don’t know what doing. I do enjoy writing, but I do sometimes feel uneasy about writing something that I know quite a few people will be reading, that being another of the reasons I haven’t added to my diary much recently.

I want to be more confident, of course I do! But I just can’t manage it. I have a huge problem with it, whether it be my appearance or just my writing, I have problems feeling happy and confident with most things in my life. I’m not for a second going to pin all of this on me being transgender, but it certainly has some factor in it. Without making any real physical changes I have become more confident over the past few months just because of my job and my increasing self acceptance. I know more who I am, what I want and how I feel now. I just hope that I can get more and more confident as time passes.

I’m going to leave it there for tonight, I really hope I can make it back on here soon, I do enjoy doing this. Oh, and enjoy a ‘new’ picture. A better word would probably be ‘unreleased’ because this picture is from my last January batch.

 

Night! X

Thank You

Thursday, 21 February 2008

23:53

Even though my parents aren’t really accepting, and my friends are less accepting than I would hope, I have to say, I have been very moved by the supportive and helpful comments messaged to me over the internet from relative strangers. Really this is all I wanted to say; Thank you to everyone who has done that. I feel bad about not having the time to reply to each person individually, but I hope you can take this as just a general all-round thank you. Every one of your messages is read and I listen to a lot of the advice I’m given. Obviously it does eventually just come down to me, but without you guys and girls out there on the internet, selflessly helping others, I really don’t know how I’d get by.

Thank You! X

Mother’s Words

Monday, 18 February 2008

00:56

Mum, you’re killing me here. Today me and Mum were in the car alone and she decided to talk to me again about my feelings. She said to me “So you still want a sex change then?” in the bluntest way I’d ever heard. I said yes. She then said “Can you please wait until we die before doing it?” and that just completely told me exactly how they feel about it. They don’t care about my well being, whether I will get by ok, or at least they don’t care about it as much as how embarrassing it will be for them. She’s ashamed of me, she thinks that I’m a freak, I’m crazy. Of course she does, she doesn’t know anything about how I’m feeling and I’ve got to get to the doctors and bring her along, to help her understand. I don’t know whether she’ll budge though, she’s pretty much set in her ways; it will be hard to convince her of different ways of life, let’s just say that.

She then said “I would rather you come home tonight and say ‘What was I thinking’ instead of us winning the lottery”. Oh thanks, so it’s not for me to be happy any more, it’s for me to decide that actually their way is best, like it always is. Maybe what I’m feeling is myself screaming to get out mixed with my own feelings of rebellion against my parents. Every child has it, well the rebellion part at least.

“I love you as my son,” Was another of her ‘genius’ morale boosting remarks. Mum!! You are not helping at all, why can’t you see that. I’m starting to think that maybe if I was suicidal, I wouldn’t be going through this trauma. She’d lay off me a bit, realise how important this is to me, and she’d need to come around to my thinking. Just because I’m not suicidal doesn’t mean I’m not serious about it. It’s kind of the opposite. Because I haven’t tried to kill myself, it shows that I believe I will be able to live a happy and fulfilling life as the woman I feel inside. If, and I mean if, I was told that I couldn’t live the rest of my life as a woman, ever, then maybe I’d be more inclined to self harm, but even then I’d still be able to appreciate the beauty the world can offer and I still would see enough reason to live.

Well there’s that part of my life getting worse by the day it seems. My parents knowing is still the best thing that has happened to me in recent years, just because I can open up to them if need be and they will now hopefully offer me a little more me-time without the follow-up questions.

At work, I’m halfway through my nearly two week non-stop marathon, just five more days until I finally get a day off. Then, after just one more four hour shift I will have a whole two weeks holiday. The first week I can hopefully meet up with friends and go out and have a much needed ‘blow some steam’ session. (That was not a sexual innuendo). The second it looks ever more likely that I’ll be going skiing with Dad. Maybe fun, but right now I’m feeling very nervous about it all. It’s a whole new experience and I don’t want to make a fool of myself, or accidentally fall off a mountain…or purposefully fall off a mountain, falling off a mountain whether to my knowledge or not can never be a good thing.

I guess I should get some sleep.

Night! X

Get Out There, Me!

Thursday, 14 February 2008

00:59

I feel like my life is passing me by right now. There’s so much I want to do, but I just don’t seem to have the drive to do it. I’ve had texts off a few friends recently and I’ve just not replied at all. I can’t really understand why. I guess it’s because I know that nothing will come from it really. I can’t meet up with them for god knows how long. The way things have fallen at work is that I don’t have a day off for nine more days. Ok I bet there’s people out there that are saying “Peeh, Nine days?! Try doing 30!” I guess I should be thankful I have a job at all, and that’s a lot money coming my way. I will be missing one of my friends birthdays and countless other meeting up times. I thought these new hours would be better for me, but I think I preferred it with longer days and only 4 days a week. This feels a lot more demanding.

Oh hey, would you look at that, it’s Valentine’s Day. Whether this is an over-commercialised Saint Day, or whether I’m just being cynical again, this is still a terrible day if you’re single. I guess I shouldn’t let it get to me. Looking back on last years entry, I was feeling pretty much the same thing. Loneliness, life is passing me by, all that palaver. I wish I just knew what it is that’s stopping me getting out there and doing things like most 20 year olds would. Am I lacking self confidence, or am I using that as an excuse? I wish there was just a switch on the side of me that I could turn to ‘Get Out There, Ya Fool!’. Currently it’s on ‘Stay Inside, Eat A Sweet, Write About How Bad Your Life Is On An Online Diary That Is Losing Quality At The Same Rate This Sentence Is Growing’. It would have to in be small writing.

I apparently can’t even be bothered to write any more either. Gotta snap out of this soon.

Night! X

Dreaming…

Monday, 11 February 2008

23:47

Well look, I’ve been able to come on again, isn’t this grand!

My parents took an early night, my Mum because she was tired and my Dad because he has to go to London tomorrow on a business trip. Also my sister is off school tomorrow, but she’s going down town with friends, so there is there remote possibility of dressing time.

I realise how silly this sounds. I can dress anyway I want in day to day life, there’s nothing stopping me, my parents can’t stop me and neither can friends. So why don’t I start dressing as a girl everyday? Why? Well first off I haven’t told some people close to me that would need to know, but apart from that, I’m not sure. I want to do it, but when it actually comes to doing it, I can’t see it at the moment. I can see that happening when I move out and that is the main reason for my desire to fly the nest.

This is where money is an issue, like it always is. It seems like no matter what troubles you have there’s always the issue of money hanging around. I guess I have enough to get me by for the moment. My job pays ok, but I don’t see myself there forever, or at least I don’t want to see myself there forever. I do wish to become something more than just a sales assistant.

Well I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but they are talking about making more of me. There want me to be a ‘supervisor’ and maybe even the store ‘wine specialist’. That… makes it sound a lot better than it really is. It’s not the going-to-France-and-drinking-wine type specialist, it’s more of the read-an-idiots-guide-to-wine kind of deal. Yeah, but at least it’s a start right?! Would love to be able to make my own wine someday…when I live in California…and when I’m a novel writer or script writer…and when I have a fantastic loving husband…and a view from my room of the San Francisco Bay…

Hmmm, I’m dreaming again. That kind of lifestyle is a long way away, but it could be some kind of target. Something a little more realistic would probably be better; I want to actually reach my life targets!

I think I’ll get to sleep now, and continue that dream.

Night! X