Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 2)

Sunday, 28 June 2009

21:57

So much to write. Ok, so after the successful restaurant meal and successful sleep in the successful hotel, we successfully failed to get up early. Which isn’t all bad. We planned to go to Oxford Street to do a bit of shopping. I say we agreed, it was more me telling Sarah and her putting up with it. Considering she’s not really a fan of crowds, Oxford Street on a Saturday in the weekend of The Queen’s official birthday celebrations may not have been such a good idea. But I didn’t know it was going to be as bad as it was, and for that I apologise Sarah. But it was also a very daunting challenge for me as well. Everything that happened the day before was definitely making me feel more confident, but it didn’t really prepare me for the sheer mass of people that is Oxford Street on a Saturday.

I wore the same outfit I wore when I ventured out the first time the day before, as I did feel comfortable in it, and it was an outfit that seemed to allow me to pass. That is despite the fact I brought half my wardrobe. Pretty much a waste of time and effort looking back. Ah well.

But it was a pretty good day shopping all in all. I did buy quite a lot, not loads, but more than I would’ve bought sitting at home. A lot of it was accessories for the evening outfit I had planned, and I also bought a couple of pairs of shoes for kicks (not a pun). We had a meal at a nice little café/bar thing just off the main strip and it was really nice, all the while my confidence was building. I didn’t seem to be getting too many odd stares. I think my main problem was the fact I wasn’t smiling, or at least that’s what Sarah told me. I personally don’t think I look as passable when I smile. It’s sad I know, but I do think that. I love smiling as well, I spend at least two hours a day smiling. Not all at once that is, that would just be weird. Oh and that doesn’t count all the fake smiling that I have to provide when on a till at work. Anyway, once Sarah told me that, I did try to look a little bit more like I wasn’t planning my own death, and I still didn’t seem to get any funny looks, so that’s good.

My other problem was my voice. It just doesn’t work very well as a feminine voice. I tried, and I honestly don’t know if it worked or not, but I didn’t need to say anything much anyway. We did get attacked by two old women bearing flowers made of tissue paper and foil and asking for money. It was something about religion probably. But one of them tried talking to me and I really wasn’t having it. Sarah covered for me pretty well but when they asked for a few pounds I knew I didn’t have change, only notes, the smallest being a ten. So I said “ten” to Sarah as softly as I could, expecting change and didn’t get it. Daylight robbery I say. On the plus side though, they were very friendly after that, blessed us both and even gave us an extra tin foil tissue paper flower. Friggin’ extraordinary.

Anyway, the day shopping was great. The journey on the tube back, though, was not. In a scene similar to this, we were crammed into the carriages with little regard to personal space or even health. I figured if anyone was going to say anything or give me funny looks it would be in the intimacy of the tube, but no, I seemed to be alright. Sure it wasn’t comfortable, but that experience made me more confident again.

So I was feeling pretty good about going to the Way Out Club. I was a little nervous for some reason, but it was much overruled by excitement. I will post some pictures of me wearing the outfit I wore, but I haven’t taken any yet. I’ve got a couple from the night, but they’re not fantastic. I might post a couple of them. But not today, I have a lot of catching up to do in the photos respect.

We weren’t far away from the club, and thanks to Google Street View, the walk felt a lot like déjà vu. We got there, I got pretty drunk and we had a good night, unfortunately there’s not a whole lot to say about most of it. What I will say though, is that we met some people in there that actually live in the same city as me and Sarah, and not only that, they run a Trans night in a pub no more than 250 metres away from our flat. How weird is that?! It’s said a lot, but it’s a small world isn’t it?! So I’ll definitely be up for going there one coming Thursday. It’s just a shame that it’s a night that a lot of my friends already go out on, and the Trans night is only once every fortnight, so it might be a little difficult to get to. It’s also a little more daunting to go out in the city you live in dressed as the opposite sex. I, being the magnificently popular person I am, have lots of friends that live, work or socialise in the general area and I don’t really fancy them meeting me without them knowing it’s me. It should be alright though, because most of those friends are imaginary and I am about as far from being magnificently popular as a duck is from Uranus. (And please don’t try and make a bestiality joke out of that. I know I served it to you on a silver platter but it doesn’t mean you have to stick up there.)

Oh also, a couple of people at the club recognised me from here, Flickr or YouTube, which was quite nice. One girl even went as far to say that I was famous, but seen as she was only one of two people that recognised me, I will disregard that comment after the flattery has worn off.

So there we go. We had a great weekend, not a whole lot went wrong, and that whole cliff-hanger thing was a complete lie. I wish I had the time and energy to write about everything I did today, but lets just say this: If you live in the local area, you may see me in the paper tomorrow. *wink*

Now that’s a good note to end on. What could it be, what did I do?! Well you’ll just have to wait and see…

Night! X

Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 1)

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

00:49

What a week! I had a great birthday. Didn’t do a lot on the actual day, just had a few people stay over with a few drinks and everything. Was good, didn’t really plan for much else anyway.

For presents, I mostly got money from my family, in fact the only ‘solid’ presents were from Sarah, and I very much appreciate all of them. The main present was a beautiful white gold necklace which I absolutely love. I have very little jewellery. In fact that necklace is my jewellery collection in its entirety. Everything else I use is ‘borrowed’ from Sarah’s side of the bedroom. But that’s ok as Sarah doesn’t really wear any anyway.

So yes, on the Friday morning, with that necklace stashed safely away in my suitcase (along with at least half of my wardrobe) me and Sarah headed down to London for the weekend. I was feeling confident on the Friday morning and I felt that I was going to be able to go out in public dressed as Ella for the first time.

We got to the hotel without too much hassle and I, at that point, was still feeling ok about it. I started feeling like I was actually going to do this. So, for a dry run, Sarah and I planned to scout around the local area for a nice place to eat. So I chose an outfit that didn’t give too much away, put it on, did my makeup and popped on my wig. After much deliberating and annoying Sarah by saying “Do I look alright?” every ten seconds, I decided I was ready. I looked ok, but I still didn’t know if I was passable or not. Sarah insisted I was, but I remained uncertain. But still I went for it. We stepped outside our hotel room, walked our way down to the lobby and straight through to the street.

And now the tricky part. It was about 7pm or something on a Friday night, and because we were pretty much right in the middle of the financial district, there were a lot of people in business attire who’d clearly gone straight from work to the pub for a few ‘weekend welcoming’ drinks. I was a bag of nerves but I did my best to hide it. We walked straight past these people drinking outside the pub and I got my first reason to celebrate of the day. Nobody shouted any rude comments or stared at me peculiarly, or stabbed me with a fork, nothing like that. Not even stabbed with a fork! I was feeling good!

We headed our way through more busy streets and still nobody really raised an eyebrow. Well there were a few guys that looked at me, but Sarah insisted that they were checking me out, but I’m not so sure. I think I blatantly obviously looked like a guy dressed as a girl, but maybe that’s just because I know that that’s true, and I’m looking for that. I don’t know, but I still obviously wasn’t feeling wholly comfortable with the situation. It wasn’t just the looking female, it’s the whole walking the right way, how you hold your body and also, the voice. Now I’ve never really practiced any of those things, so talk about throwing me in the deep end. I mostly tried to stay silent, much to Sarah’s annoyance. I also decided to carry Sarah’s handbag as well as it seemed to give me a nice barrier to hide behind, also it gave me something to do with my hands.

Luckily I didn’t have to talk to anyone and soon enough we found a nice place to eat. A place called Bertorelli. I always love Italian food and despite the fact Sarah works in an Italian restaurant and avoids eating pasta like the plague, she let me go there. It was probably because of the paranoia induced panic attack I was having. No I’m kidding. I was nowhere near that bad. In fact by that time I was kind of enjoying it. To be honest I think I probably did pass ok to the glancing eye. It was the people supposedly checking me out that scared me. It did at times feel like everyone’s eyes were on me, trying to pick away at my attempts to blend in.

Actually, it was probably not a good idea to wear what I was wearing. It wasn’t exactly “blend-in-erific”. I had decided on a pair of girl jeans, which was fine, and a pair of flat black shoes, which was also fine. What was possibly less fine was the recently purchased multicoloured fitted blouse I was wearing that was a little too small for me, at least around the boobs department, if you get my drift. Basically the yellow t-shirt I wore underneath was necessary so that I didn’t show too much of my assets that I didn’t exactly have. The look was good, but maybe a little too good for the first time out in public when all you really want to do is blend in. Maybe I didn’t, maybe I wanted people to notice me. Maybe. So maybe I like a little attention…

But yes anyway. We made it back to the hotel fine. And pretty much straight away I started getting ready for the meal. I wanted to wear something else I’d bought recently, but Sarah thought a hot pink cocktail dress was a little too much for this place! So I just put on a knee length denim skirt and a stripy t-shirt and apparently that was sufficient.

It was as well, because when we turned up we were literally the best looking people there. We were also the only people there. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I didn’t want to go to some independent restaurant because I didn’t want them fussing over us all the time, but I didn’t really want to go to a massive chain either because I would hate to have been sat in a room feeling like there’s a thousand and one eyes on me. (That’s five hundred people and a pirate).

But no, this place was empty. I mean completely. There was a waitress and a cook, and us two. That was pretty much it. I think I saw a moth at one point, but I could have been imagining it up for effect. You know what though, the food was fantastic. We didn’t have pasta at all, Sarah made me try veal for the first time. And to be honest I liked it. It was breaded though, and pretty much anything breaded tastes alright. But yes, we really really enjoyed the meal. Either they believed I was a girl, or they knew and they were being very polite with me. I can honestly say it was a fantastic meal though. It was a little expensive but it would be if you get starters and a bottle of wine too. I was very happy with it and would recommend it to anyone that’s doing the same kind of thing as I was that weekend. The only reason it was so quiet is because it is right smack in the middle of the financial sector and it was still a little early. The food was fantastic. Sarah agreed, and she knows these things, seriously go there. Go. Now.

So that was a great day. I had been hugely successful with being out as Ella in public for the first time and apparently not getting outed, and I had a great birthday meal with my girlfriend. It was a great start of the weekend until…. (dun, dun, derrrrr….) *

Now I am getting tired so I’m going to have to split this weekend entry up into a couple. I’ll hopefully be able to get on and finish my story in the next few days. I am slowly breaking down this masculine wall that I’ve hidden behind for years. Just wish I had a goddamn bulldozer!

Here’s a newish pic for your troubles…

*Cliff-hanger may or may not be real

Night! X

Good Times…

Saturday, 06 June 2009

22:05

I’ve been really busy lately. It’s all good stuff too. Last Sunday, I went up to Alton Towers, which if you haven’t heard, is a fairly decent theme park. Possibly the best one in the UK. Well I had a good day, although I did get pretty sick from Air (that’s the name of a ride, not the actual atmosphere). I have always been a little prone to motion sickness, but it seems to get worse as time goes on. The way things are going, by the time I’m 50 I’ll be throwing up when I lean forward for the TV remote.

But yeah, Alton Towers was great after I’d recovered. And that’s not all; I managed to top that on Thursday. Me, my girlfriend, and another couple headed up to Manchester and saw Oasis live, which was a-maz-ing. I’d only seen a couple of live bands before including Bon Jovi and *cough* S Club 7. But (fairly obviously) Oasis blew them out the water. It did have a few hiccups at the start though. During the first song, the whole stage lost power, and then during the second it went again. Turns out the generator blew out, so it took another 45 minutes or so for the techies to sort it. But once it did, it was the best live music I’d ever seen. We were pretty close to the stage as well; right in the front pit. I really am going to have to see more live bands in the future.

That isn’t all I’m up to this week either. It’s my birthday on the 10^th June and to celebrate, I’m heading down to London with my girlfriend this coming weekend and going out as Ella hopefully all the time. I’ll be going to a TG club I’ve been to before. I’m not comfortable putting my exact location out on the internet for anyone to see, but if you’re out in London this coming Saturday in a TG bar you may see me! I have no idea what I’m wearing yet, but I’ve got plenty of choices now. I can’t seem to stop buying things, and I really should stop, money is more and more becoming a nasty issue.

I think I’m going to have to leave this one here. I keep getting sidetracked with the likes of YouTube and music. This isn’t good. I’ve not really been in a decent writing mood for a long time, but I do still really want to. I enjoy writing when I’m in the right frame of mind, but when you’re not it’s pretty tricky to think of subjects. And yet there is so much that should be going on in my life. I guess I could think of something completely irrelevant, but that would be like fishing in a barrel of fish only to find a toy space shuttle…

Oh I did see this male Britney impersonator on “America’s Got Talent” that looked pretty convincing and to be honest I’m a little jealous, but yeah hey, that’s why he’s on TV and I’m not. -EDIT: Just found out this was from last year’s show. Why is it the UK gets these shows a year late even if it’s our own programme format!? So anyway yes, sorry if you’ve already seen this about 20 times already-

I have to admit, I do get very jealous of a lot of women or crossdressers etc. that look better than me. It’s probably one of my worst traits. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a perfectionist as well. I always try to look the best I can, and when I still don’t look as good as some people it upsets me a bit, but that’s really something I’ve got to get over. If I can’t get the confidence in myself at all, I’ve got no hope! It’s just sometimes if I go out to clubs and see all these girls my age having a great time, and I’m feeling all ugly in my boy clothes, it can really get to me. And it has been getting worse. Recently, more often than not, I’ve been coming home really upset and physically in tears. It’s not really healthy. I think I talk about this quite a bit, and if I am repeating myself, I’m sorry, but it’s been on mind that much.

Having said that though, I am having a great time with Sarah and despite the weekly fits of tears I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Makes you think how bad I must have been before.

Well hey look I wrote a bit more. That’s what happens when you turn you music off and resist the urge of YouTube. Must…not…look….

***45 Minutes Later***

Damn it. It did it again. They should put some kind of warning up before you watch any videos on there. “We will not be held responsible for any viewers that never see the sun again”

Talking of YouTube…

***30 Minutes Later***

Argh, damnit. Talking of YouTube, my “Born a Girl” video has nearly broken the 200,000 viewers mark which I’m relatively impressed about. I may well think about uploading some more videos soon. I do still want to do one of me playing the keyboard, but because that requires me to practice, I probably won’t for a while. Maybe I’ll get something when I go out in London. Yeah, I’ll see what I can do…

Night! X

Money Might Fly, Pigs Might Flu

Saturday, 09 May 2009

02:15

I’ve been a bit reckless with my money recently. I’ve gotten overexcited ordering things online, knowing that it’s only me or Sarah that will see what I’ve ordered, in theory anyway. We recently bought three new hairstyles for me off eBay and they turned up at my parents’ door. Oops. Fortunately they respected my privacy and didn’t open them up, so they remained relatively uninformed, although you could tell there were all manner of possibilities running through their heads. I didn’t tell them what they were; we’re still not open about this sort of thing at all. My theory is, if they don’t ask about it, they don’t want to know, therefore nothing needs to be said and no awkwardness occurs. I just told them it was a work uniform for Sarah, and they seemed to buy it so it’s all good.

Aside from the hair I’ve mostly been buying a whole new wardrobe. Ironically we don’t actually have a wardrobe to put my new wardrobe of clothes in yet, but it is getting delivered to us within a month. By that time though, I’ll need another one to fill up if my shopping spree continues to this degree!

Not a whole lot of interesting things have been happening really. An interestingly small amount of interesting things considering the rather interesting activity of moving out.

I’ve been a bit ill recently, that’s mildly interesting. And before you ask I’m pretty sure it’s not Swine Flu. I’ve just had a migraine and stomach bug on and off for the past few days. I actually had to take my first sick day off from work, ever. I was a bit bummed to have to end my 100% attendance, but I’m pretty sure I’d have been more bummed if I’d thrown up on a customers face.

This Swine Flu thing seems to have died down a bit now, so now there’s all the ‘know-it-alls’ saying that there never was a global threat or anything to worry about. Granted I see their point. The whole Bird Flu outbreak largely just fizzled out into nothing. But if we’re not alert about these things, something might just creep up behind us and infect us all. It would be nice if they stopped “Crying Wolf”, or maybe more aptly “Crying Pig”, with us so much because more and more of the public will just ignore the advice given by the media in a situation with potentially disastrous consequences. I guess as soon as an important news bulletin cuts into their favourite soap they’ll start listening, it must, after all, be massively important if a soap is taken off air. Hell, I might even start causing breaking news bulletins myself if it means soaps will be on TV less.

Yeh, that’s right I don’t like soaps. Waste of time. I find it hard enough to keep track of my own life, I don’t want to start confusing mine with other peoples that don’t even exist anyway. I learn all my life lessons in life.

Anyway, here’s a few more – saucier than average – pictures for you to peruse. I was feeling confident ok? Don’t look at me with those judging eyes.

 

This could well turn out to be one of those life lessons I should learn: “Don’t ever post pictures of yourself in just underwear online”.

Night! X

Hello Home

Saturday, 25 April 2009

00:22

I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that that isn’t exactly true.

I currently have very little to be unhappy about, despite my whole situation I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have moved out fully, and living with Sarah in the flat I spoke about in my last post. It is amazing how quickly we settled in. I can’t believe it, we’ve had very few problems, with each other that is. We’ve had a few problems with the flat but it was never going to be perfectly smooth. First problem we have, which we actually noticed during the first viewing, is that our video entry system didn’t work. They said they’d get it fixed up before we moved in. And they did, to a fashion. It works, but sometimes the screen goes black and you have to give it a slight loving whack for the screen to come on again. But I’ve got to be honest with you, the very fact that we have a video entry system outweighs the fact that it doesn’t exactly work correctly. How cool is that, we can literally see the disappointment on someone’s face when we don’t let them in.

We’ve also had a problem with the shower where the perfect temperature can only be achieved by turning the tap to just the correct angle. Any other angle gives you no hot water, or just hot water. Not fantastic.

Also the washer/dryer is only half good. Meaning it washes but doesn’t dry. Which isn’t too bad as we can just put the clothes on our radiators. Oh wait, no we can’t, because whenever we turn the heating on, all of the flats in our surrounding radius, including our own, hear something similar to a constant drilling sound. We’ve had our neighbours knocking on our doors wondering why they’ve not been invited to our Power Tool Party!

There’s not a lot else wrong with the flat to be honest, at least these things are all fixable, it’s not something wrong with the flat per se. Although the heating may be a bit tricky to fix, I don’t really know, I’m not a plumber.

But that’s all relatively uninteresting when compared to the fact that I am now a half full time woman. Some might say that’s called part time, but not me, I’m a ‘half full’ kind of girl! Basically I get to dress in my girls stuff whenever I’m not at work, and we don’t have people coming over. Which is working out to be quite a lot of the time. We’ve also been shopping so I have a lot of new clothes and shoes! Yay! In fact Sarah consistently points out that I now have more clothes than she does. It’s probably true, but that’s only because I have two sets of clothes. We do still need a wardrobe to put all these clothes in though, we haven’t really done it the right way around, but never mind. Clothes are more important than places to point them in.

Also this morning I just had my very first breast forms delivered. Before I was using two rather uncomfortable and itchy balls that my dad once brought home from a team building exercise. God knows why, but I certainly appreciated the random sentiment of receiving two very perfect boob sized balls! But none of that any more, I’ve got something much better now. I’ll let you know how they go, I paid good money for them so they better be decent! They’re colour isn’t exactly similar to my skin colour, so don’t expect any good cleavage shots because of them. They have said you can put make-up on them to try and blend the colours together, but I’m not sure it’s really going to work that well. Oh well, they sure feel a lot more real and look better under clothing too. And they bounce!

Enough about my boobs that aren’t really boobs. I shall leave you now and go get some food. I haven’t had tea yet and it’s like 1am, ah well. I’ll have my tea and go to bed. Sarah is out clubbing tonight, so when she comes back she’s probably going to wake me up one way or another. I. Can. Not. Wait…

So here’s the first batch from a lot of new photos I have for you all. Hope you like!

Night! X

Moving On Out, Time To Break Free…

Sunday, 22 March 2009

23:56

So ok, my entries are getting more and more infrequent, but hopefully that will change soon.

I have moved forward a lot since I last updated you. Me and Sarah have been looking for flats to move out into and last week, we found a great one. It’s a one bedroom ground floor apartment with a lovely view of a grass roundabout. It really isn’t too bad even if it sounds it, and hey, it’s probably one of the only views in the city that actually has greenery. It wasn’t massive but it doesn’t need to be and we both liked it from the start, so, we registered our interest with the estate agents and put down a reservation fee, filled out some forms and they’ll be getting back to us in the next few days to let us know if our background checks come up clean.

You may think this is all going a bit quickly and, in usual circumstances I guess it is. We have, after all, only been together for about 3 months. But we had talked about moving out before we even got together and we both really want this so we figured we’d just go for it. If it doesn’t work yet, then so what, at least we tried it. It’s not the end of the world; I don’t think my parents are going to be renting out my room that quickly! But the truth is I think we do work really well as a couple and we shouldn’t have too many problems. Unconventional? Sure, but we like it that way!

Obviously I’m quite excited about moving out. It opens a lot of doors that were firmly sealed at home with my family. We can be ourselves and live for ourselves when we have our own place, and if this all works out with this flat, we could be moving in in a week or so. ‘A week or so’ can’t come too soon for me!

Apart from that I should let you know about the skiing holiday I had. It was fantastic. The views were amazing, the place was amazing, it was a break I really needed. What I did not need however was the twisted knee I got from the first day of skiing. I can’t really say it wasn’t my own fault, but I will anyway… This kid darted in front of me so I had to turn quickly and go off piste. Unfortunately that particular patch had some rather nasty bumps which caused me to lose control and the next thing I knew I was coming to a stop in a rather awkward position next to some random foreign skiers. My Dad came over and helped me up and whilst my knee was a bit stiff, it didn’t feel like any lasting damage had occurred. This could well have been true because the next fall about 20 metres down the slope was probably the one that did the damage. It wasn’t even dramatic, it was slow and awkward, like a seal trying to ski. I just fell awkwardly again and then my knee just couldn’t take my weight very well. I did manage to ski back to the chalet without falling again, but I had to miss a day of skiing afterwards to try and recover. Thankfully I did, and the rest of the holiday went by without a hitch.

It was fine until recently when I went back to work. I have to lift quite a lot of wine at work and since my knee was hurting, I was bending it less to pick things up and because of that I’ve now done my back in a bit. I feel like I’m falling apart here! What’s going on! I have been getting slowly better again, but it’s still not quite right.

So yes, there you go, you’re all up to date now. Hopefully I’ll be able to be a lot more active on here once I move out, more entries, more pictures, maybe another video, I don’t know. We’ll see. I do have a lot of ideas going through my mind about what I could do, so hopefully some of them can actually happen when there are no prying eyes watching.

Instead of new pictures of me, here’s a few of my holiday.

Sorry, did I just hear a collective sigh of disappointment? Live with it.

 

  

 

Night! X

You Are Wonderful

Monday, 9 February 2009

00:58

Ok, so I haven’t updated for a while, but I’ve been busy. Busy being happy! Mostly.

It’s going great with Sarah. It really is. And I don’t really want to say any more than that. I’ll happily talk about most things in my life but if it closely involves another person I’m not going to talk about it here. She does read this site now as well so I have to be on my best behaviour! Hi Sarah!! *Innocent Smile and Wave*

So I’m obviously happy that I am now in a relationship. I’m also happy that I get to dress more often and actually with someone, and I’m happy about the upcoming skiing holiday I’m going on too. I have more than the usual amount of things to be happy about, let’s say. There are still problems, but I’m not going to linger on them tonight. There’s another reason for me to be writing.

Recently, I have been flattered with the amount of messages of support and general niceness from people seeing my pictures, videos and blog. It’s been great and even though I’ve not managed to reply to many (any) I hope you all realise I am thankful. But there have been a few different types of messages recently. The kind that has moved me quite a lot and makes me wish I had the time to reply to each one personally. Young, possible transgendered people seem to be coming forward telling me I’m a role model for them and they are turning to me for support in their current situation. People asking how they should tell their parents and things like that. Now I never said that I was good at giving advice, the best I can really do is let you know of my own current situation and hope you learn from mistakes I may make and have made. I am no fountain of transgender knowledge, so a good idea for me would be to send you to some places that are.

First of all you will want to try and understand how far you actually want to go with this. You may be transsexual, you may be a crossdresser, you may be a model railway enthusiast on the wrong site. No matter what, this test will give you an idea as to how far you might want to take things, but don’t on any account take it as 100% true. Some of the questions are, in my view, a little stereotypical, and everyone is different, but I haven’t found a better test online for this sort of thing.

http://transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html

Disclaimer: It won’t actually tell you if you should be a model railway enthusiast, but generally if you like trains, you like small fiddly things, you have a spare room and a lot of spare time, model railways are probably for you.

Anyway, I digress. If, once completing that test you come up with ‘possible transsexual’ or something similar, then you might want to look at this next site. It is probably THE best site on the net for transsexuals to be. There is a ton of good advice on that site with a special section for young people that is definitely worth reading. The sheer amount of information of that site may seem daunting at first, but it’s all good stuff.

www.tsroadmap.com

I genuinely am sorry I’ve not been able to reply to you personally, I know just how hard it is being in your situation, I’ve obviously been there myself. But know this, as long as you are true to yourself and your main priority in life is your own happiness you WILL have the life you want to lead. You may or may not be transgendered, but that doesn’t really matter, YOU deserve to be happy no matter who you are.

That reminds me; there’s a brilliant song I’ve been hearing recently, you may have heard it but I’ll show you anyway. It has a great message to it and this video just made me that little bit happier, and nobody in the world can say that’s a bad thing. The song is “Wonderful” by Gary Go. This video isn’t the official one as far as I know, but I think it’s better. This song for number one when it comes out on the 16^th February!

For some reason this entry was not easy to write, it has taken about a week to edit and adjust so I didn’t sound too preachy but at the same time give some good advice. It’s difficult and I can fully appreciate anyone who has to advise people daily on potentially life changing things. It’s quite scary!

I will leave now, but before I go I want you all to say “I Am Wonderful” out loud. Say it, go on. I have. “I Am Wonderful”. It’s a healthy thing to do. Self appreciation is something nearly everyone needs to do more often, so do it!

Night! X

Leaving Singledom After 21 Years

Saturday, 27 December 2008

01:58

So, I went for it. Here I am typing right now and I’m not single, for the first time in my life. I’m going out with Sarah and I’m loving it! She is amazing, and while I was extremely nervous to start off, things are getting a bit better and hopefully I can soon be more relaxed with her. She is completely accepting of the real me, so much so that she even got me make-up for Christmas. I got loads! Well I think its loads because I’ve never had any, but I really didn’t expect her to get all the basics! It’s all good stuff too, I can’t wait to try it out.

There are some small problems though. Well one really. And this may sound bizarre given what I’ve already told my parents, but I am having a hard time talking about Sarah with them. They don’t yet know that I’m going out with her and that I’m planning to move out in the near future. I know it isn’t, but I can’t help but feel that I’m giving them mixed messages. So I want to be a girl, ok, oh but wait, what’s this, I have a girlfriend now. I know they don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I would imagine my parents would think so. I just hope it’s not too much at once for them, but then again it has been over a year since I told them. I’m not even sure if they’d take this well or not. If they did take it well, it would probably be because they think the first thing I told them isn’t applicable anymore, but then I guess I’d have to explain it to them.

To make things just a tad more complicated, Sarah doesn’t know that my parents don’t know yet either. It’s not that I’ve lied, she just presumes I have told them, if it came up in conversation I’d probably tell her.

Ok, so what should I do? Is this too much for my parents if they haven’t actually come to accept me yet? Or should I just tell them and live my life without constantly seeking the acceptance of others? I know which option sounds better for me. I guess if I am going to be moving out soon, who I’m going with is going to be one of the first questions! I guess I have to tell them.

I realise that I am yet again over thinking a fairly simple matter, and I’m sorry, but that’s just what I do!

I am very much looking forward to moving out though. It is something that I’ve wanted ever since I got a taste for it at University. Sharing a place with someone who is not only accepting, but excited about the real me is clearly going to give me a lot more time of dressing how I want. I aim to do it pretty much all the time when I’m not working. That should give me more of an idea of how my life will pan out when I go through with this. I also hope to get back to the doctors and start on hormones as soon as I can once I’ve moved in. And we’re not talking years away here, maybe just a month or two, we’ll see what’s around. I honestly can’t wait! Things will probably get a lot more interesting and I’ll try to keep this updated regularly.

Well I better go, don’t want to leave you with an essay to read! Here’s some new pictures!

Oh yeah, and I hope you had a good Christmas and I wish you all a Happy New Year if I don’t write on here before then.

Night! X

The Sin of Indecision

Thursday, 11 December 2008

01:51

Hi, I’d like to apologise once again for the drunken entry you received a few days ago, but on the plus side, it is going to illustrate my point perfectly.

Sarah. She’s a fantastic friend. Extraordinary! Marvellous! Incredible! As a friend. But, we’re moving beyond the ‘friend-zone’ now and into the realms ‘oh-my-god-this-is-all-so-new-to-me-I-don’t-have-a-clue-what-I’m-doing-and-whether-this-is-really-what-I-want’ zone.

The truth is, I guess, I’m finding it hard to be attracted to her for longer than just a night. When we’re kissing, when I’m quite drunk, everything is fine. I love how she makes me feel and I couldn’t be happier. When I wake up the next day, I’m suddenly filled with confusion. I still want to be with her, yes, but then again, I kinda don’t want to be with her. It is the hardest thing to try and write down, but I’m sure anyone who’s been in this situation will know. Am I just reacting this way because I’ve never done it before? Probably.

I think it’s probably got a lot to do with the fact I don’t want to have a relationship while I look like I do now. Because I’ve imagined this situation over in my head, and if I was born a girl I’d probably be jumping at the chance to be with her. I don’t want this gender issue to get in the way of everything, but it seems the possibility of a relationship with someone has made everything more confusing to me.

She’s also quite emotionally vulnerable herself. She’s only recently got over a previous boyfriend who treated her terribly and dumped her the night after she paid for a hotel room with him, and on top of that she opened up to him about a lot of things which is hard enough for Sarah anyway. Because of that I’m scared that I’m going to hurt her as well. I don’t want to be stupid and indecisive when really she needs someone that will stay with her for a long time and I’m not sure I want that. I do want to move in with her, I know that, but I’m not sure if that’s because of her or because I get to be me more.

I want this to work, I really do, but I don’t know if I’m ready. But if I’m not ready now, when will I ever be? Should I just go for it? We’ll see.

Night! X

I’m Feeling Lucky… Punk. (Tipsy Entry)

Monday, 08 December 2008

03:39

I’m lucky, I’m not denying that. Sarah knows I’m a girl at heart and she treats me that way. She tells me I’m the girl in this relationship. The relationship I didn’t know existed until tonight. We are really close now, and now our friends know how close. I don’t mind. I had to open up to another of our friends, but once again, she was amazing. I feel so lucky to have these people as friends. I am luckier than I ever thought I could be. I guess my faith in the human race has been restored a little. Sure some people are jerks, but really, most people are not.

Recently, well, last Sunday, my bag went missing because I’m an idiot. I got too drunk and I lost it in one of several places. I lost my iPod as well as the speakers and the more expensive headphones. It cost me about £200, which, in universal terms, is a lot of money. To me anyway. Therefore, after that night, and the subsequent non returning of belongings, I lost faith in the human race. How can people be so comfortable with taking someone else’s belongings with no prior desire to?! I don’t get it. Fortunately, since then I feel that people are better than that generally speaking. Sure some dickwad’s will take anything for free, but I don’t really have to ever bother with them because I’m never gonna be friends with them, and I’m never going to give them the option of a freebie ever again.

I am a little drunk tonight, which makes it a little awkward to be on nights. I’ve gotta go to bed in about 3 hours, but under normal circumstance with my normal drunken state I would just collapse into bed and forget about anything that happened tonight. Right now, I’m forced to review it, and I don’t mind. Nothing happened tonight that I would change. Sure, Sarah kissed me, a lot, in front of my friends, but at least now they know how I feel inside. I honestly feel like a girl when I’m with her and she tells me so, it is like the best feeling in the world. I may be a little beyond sober tonight, but I know what I’m talking about. If Sarah is happy with me as a person like she says she is, then I can’t see us ever having a problem with this relationship ever. But if, like apparently other’s have found, she gets uninterested by me, I guess I’ll have to make do. She’s a great friend, and I can’t ever see that changing. If she just becomes a great friend, I’ll be fine, but I like the idea of a relationship with her.

I get the feeling I’m saying things without even thinking, so I’ll probably leave the important topics for another night. Tonight though, I am just happy I have friends like I do and I hope this feeling will never end. If I do move in with Sarah, like she has suggested, I hope things turn out as good as she’s said it will.

Sorry I’m drunk!

Night! X